Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Only Thing to Fear is....

........a whole shitload of things other than fear itself. No offense, FDR.

There are PLENTY of things to fear other than that. In fact, I could rattle off quite a few things just off the top of my head.

Sharks.... Gila Monsters...... Serial Killers..... Wolf Spiders...... Ostriches..... Terrorists...... The sound the TV makes when the cable suddenly goes out and the static comes on the screen..... Aliens...... Unidentified noises coming from your fridge...... Possums...... White vans like the ones kidnappers always drive in movies...... The ocean...... The dark.

See? I am scared of all of those things, and none of those things are "fear itself." Some of these things are very natural; things that most normal, sane people are scared of. Like sharks. Show me someone who isn't scared of a shark, and I will show you someone who I think is a liar.

This got me thinking about all the things I'm scared of that are NOT rational, though, which is also a pretty lengthy list.

For example, many people are not still scared of the dark past the age of 7 or 8, but I am. (P.s. i'm 23). Perhaps most people are not scared of the noise TV static makes either, but I happen to think it is terrifying. "White Noise" or "The Ring," anybody? I've never been able to imagine it as an "ant race," as people have tried to compare it to in the past.

In honor of this avenue of thought, here are a few little anecdotes based on people in my life who are scared of some of the weirdest shit I've ever heard of people being scared of.

I'll start with myself...

Inanimate/completely harmless objects that resemble or have ever been associated with roaches:
This ever-growing list includes bathrooms, sinks, sponges, KOOZIES, and now, keychains. Little Sister went to Myrtle Beach last week, and came back 47 cents poorer after having spent that whopping amount on this for me:

This isn't a real roach. It's a keychain. It's supposed to be one of those keychains that you can press down on and it doubles as a flashlight. Only the flashlight part doesn't work. So instead I'm just left with this useless piece of crap plastic roach that has scared the shit out of me no less than 6 times since she gave it to me. I am not scared of FEAR, FDR, I'm scared of the roach shaped plastic. At least I haven't tried to spray it with Raid. Yet...

Serial Killers:

So maybe we're all scared of or at least dread the thought of one day being murdered. In all honesty though, how likely is it that we will ever actually encounter/fall victim to a serial killer? According to my brain, the likelihood is approximately an 85% chance or so.

Anyone I meet could be a potential serial killer. I've convinced myself that my neighbor 3 townhouses down from me in my complex is a serial killer because he fits the profiles I see on CSI: Miami, drives a rental car, and has an eerie fluorescent light he never turns off.

In 11th grade, my friend told me to bring a movie to watch when I went to sleep over at her house. I brought over the 2002 version of "Ted Bundy," chronicling his murder spree. I had/have a sick fascination with these movies, I guess so that I'll be more prepared when my unfounded suspicion manifests itself in reality one day? Whatever the reason, that is my irrational fear #2.

I think I will move on to people besides myself now. For instance, Little Sister....

Cotton Balls:

Little Sister is absolutely terrified of cotton balls. She is scared of them in the same way you might be scared of the clown from Stephen King's "It," or the way that I am scared of roaches.

She refuses to touch or use them, ever. She doesn't even like when the plastic bag with the cotton balls sealed safely inside of it comes near her.

don't let the happy face lambs fool you. they are harboring evil cotton balls. i guess little sister faked a stomachache during this activity back in first grade.

She once called me on the phone, sobbing, muttering through crying gasps that she had accidentally touched a cotton ball and subsequently erupted into a fit of hysterics because of it. There was no calming her down. I think it has a lot to do with the cotton ball texture. Either way, she's a weirdo.

Lined/Ruled Paper:
This one just came to my attention today. My friend, who lives in Kentucky, and who I shall call "Kentucky," messaged me from his class today lamenting that he had forgotten paper.

"Why don't you ask somebody for some paper?" I asked.

Kentucky's response was that everyone around him had ruled paper, and thus, he couldn't/refused to borrow paper from them. I guess this isn't so much a fear as it is a very strange, unshakable aversion to ruled paper, but I'm going to assume it's because this 24-year old male friend of mine is scared of the lines so that it fits into this blog post.

I found this absolutely hilarious. There is Kentucky, sitting in class, surrounded by potential paper-loaners, and instead he messages me all through class instead of having to subject himself to the monstrosity of lined notebook paper.

evil lined-notebook-paper skull: i kill you!

Shower Loofahs:
This one is also especially entertaining because the person I know with a fear of shower loofahs is also a 20-something year old MALE. And it's a SHOWER LOOFAH. I know of this fact because his girlfriend happens to be one of my best friends.

When he comes to visit her, he apparently makes her take her loofah out of the shower/throw it away before he will take a shower there. Perhaps this fear has to do with the texture, much like my sister's cotton ball issues. I can't be sure.

My friend has relayed to me that on numerous occasions, she has thrown a loofah over the curtain while he is showering as a good, clean joke, and been met with angry flailing and cursing instead of an understanding or self-deprecating laugh.

don't mess with a man and his loofah issues.

This next one comes as a joint past fear of both Little Sister and myself...

The Goop That Accumulates in the Corner of Dogs' Eyes:
That. shit. is. so. disgusting. It is so repulsive that you quickly move beyond the state of merely being grossed out by it to being all-out skeered of it. Like if, god forbid, it TOUCHES you, you will literally drop dead or burst into flames. It's that nasty.

My family and I always had poodles growing up. I don't know if it's just poodles as a breed or just our particular poodles or what, but they ALWAYS had eye goop. And they would try to wipe it on you whenever they got the chance (I'm looking at you, Nugget. RIP).

Suz would always be like, "Just get a napkin and scoop it out of their eyes." Not a chance, Suz. Sister and I would run fleeing from the room to avoid this horrible fate. The reaction that resulted from the terrible happenstance when the Goop actually GOT ON YOU was a spectacle to behold.

standard poodsauces must be notorious for eye Goop accumulation

Nugget and Holly the poodles would be on our shit-lists for weeks after they had the audacity to wipe their eye Goop on us. Suz has been on consecutive eye-Goop-scooping duty for decades now, but luckily our newest dogs (the doodles) aren't nearly as calculating and malicious as their poodle predecessors in their Goop-wiping tendencies.

That's all for now. Feel free to message me with any obscure/ridiculous fears that follow this same theme, and maybe I'll add them to the list......Cheers!



  1. Actually, I'm scared of dolls that blink and cry. You know those things? They just creep me out.

  2. Ummm thank you for joining me in my fear of the dark and of the ocean, despite the fact that I'm a mere seven days away from being 23. I hate wandering around in the dark in my house at night.

  3. Loofahs? For real?


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