Sunday, January 29, 2012

In the words of Peter Griffin...

You know what really grinds my gears? As it turns out, a lot of things. So much for positive posts or non-venting posts or being thankful for shit. Sometimes, you just want to bitch---which is probably what I'm about to do.

A pet peeve is defined as "a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it." Pet peeves might as well be defined as "petty, relatively insignificant things that should not drive an individual into a fit of unnecessary rage....but do anyway."

Pet peeves are the weird shit we all respectively hate. The kinds of things you overlook on a first or second date because you don't want to seem judgmental or shallow, but you know for a fact it's going to end up being a deal breaker. The kinds of things that instantly make you best friends with someone when you discover that they hate them, too.

The other thing about pet peeves it that the ones that drive you batshit crazy might seem completely socially acceptable to someone else, so you really do look super judgmental and weird and irrational for letting it get to you.

In honor of these precious little quirks of the human experience....I compiled a list. Granted, these things and this list have probably fluctuated wildly over time, so these are only a reflection of my current station in life. Still, a good rant and rave session is good for the soul every once in a while, so here goes...

1. When People Refer to Cockroaches as "Palmetto Bugs"

One of the worst euphemisms I've ever heard. Whoever coined the term "Palmetto bug" has obviously never actually encountered one of these hideous monsters before. Palmetto Bug makes it sound like we're talking about an adorable little animal that you keep as a pet and walk on a leash on Sunday afternoons. Um, NO. These vile abominations of nature should just be called cockroaches....a nasty sounding word for a nasty insect. If we're going to give it a nickname, at least let it be a more appropriate one like the Nausea Bug or the Sadist Beetle, as anyone who's encountered one is familiar with the torture they like to impart on their victims.

"Palmetto Bug"? No sir.

2. Writing With or Reading Something Written with a Non-Mechanical Pencil

The sound that a non-mechanical old school pencil makes when pushed across a piece of notebook paper is cringe-worthy. The awful scratchiness causes me to do that involuntary neck-jerk-shudder that occurs when one hears such an offensive sound. Teaching has further tainted my opinion of traditional pencils. These pencils are cheap, so inevitably they are the kind I buy to loan out to students who come to class without a PENCIL in the 8th grade. When I get the pencil back, it is covered with 14-year-old slime and the way it feels makes me want to throw up and sanitize my entire body. Plus, their already borderline-illegible handwriting is worsened tenfold by the smudgy hot mess these pencils create on a page.

3. People Who Haven't Seen Any of the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings Movies....Ever

I know you're probably thinking I'm really biased with this one, and it's true, I really, really love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. However, these movies are verifiable landmarks of popular culture, regardless of your opinion of them. They tell epic stories in wildly fantastic settings of battles of good versus evil, and just generally embody cinematic perfection in every way, in my opinion. To quote one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows, here is Marshall Ericson with his opinion of my #3 pet peeve:

"She's never seen Star Wars?! Ted, the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters IN Star Wars, and that's cause they lived 'em, Ted. That's cause they lived the Star Wars."

4. Incorrect Spelling of the Word "Definitely"

Oh. My. God. General public, learn how to spell this word before my head explodes. Worst incorrect spellings of this word include:


Oh--and guess what? "Defiantly" is a completely *different* word with a definition of its own! Not that I would expect someone who can't spell 'definitely' to know the definition of 'defiantly." If you haven't learned to spell this word right, then I am DEFINITELY judging you.

5. Missing the Previews

You know what? Some people really, really enjoy previews. For some people, the previews are almost as exciting and entertaining as the movie itself. I can't articulate how bad it chaps my ass when people utter the phrase, "It's okay. We'll only miss the previews!" and then act annoyed when you turn into Spazzy McSpazzerson because they are causing you to miss the new Hunger Games trailer. I would rather go to a movie by myself, where I can get there early enough to scoop up my 44oz. Diet Coke and snag a sweet seat LONG before there is any danger of missing a preview, than go to the movies with one of these preview-hating freaks.

6. iPhone Haters

If you have an iPhone, you definitely know who I'm talking about here. If you don't have an iPhone, you probably still know who I'm talking about, or you are one of these people. These are the people who have nothing but insults for iPhones, Apple, and the people who own these products. It's like if you got an iPhone for Christmas or your birthday, you are suddenly Satan's spawn because you succumbed to the cult of Steve Jobs. People don't get iPhones because they are sellouts or wannabe hipsters. People get iPhones because they are absolutely badass, superior machines. I'm also convinced that everyone claims they "don't want an iPhone...".........until they get an iPhone.

Yes--it really is THAT awesome.

7. Hand Sanitizer

It grosses me out when people swear by hand sanitizer. For some reason, it seems like it's just moving the grime around on their hands instead of accomplishing anything. My students are the worst offenders of thinking hand sanitizer is the be-all-end-all of hygiene. I swear to god it is making them stickier and nastier than they were before they put hand sanitizer all over their hands and forearms. I suppose it is better than not doing anything at all if you absolutely can't get to soap and water. I'd rather send the little gremlins straight to the bathroom than watch them slather that crap all over their hands, go back to their seats, and touch a whole bunch of shit before it even dries. Gross.

8. Idiotic Girls

These are the girls you consider blocking from your Facebook news feed because every time you log in you are forced to look at 7 new posts from them to all of their "besties" with wayyyyy tooooo manyyyyyy letters on the end of every word because they're just so exciiiited! These girls might not actually be that immature or unintelligent, but they present themselves that way for some ridiculous mentality that it makes them seem cute or otherwise desirable I guess. Intelligent, educated females almost always scoff at these individuals because they make the rest of us look so bad.

9. Lofty Idealists

You find these a lot in the world education, and there's nothing inherently wrong with having lofty dreams and ambitions. The pet peeve occurs when these people try to shove this crap down YOUR throat incessantly. They make you feel like you clearly aren't doing as good of a job as them because you don't drink the Koolaid and spout magical fairy bullshit about how you're changing the world.

We get it. You're a teacher (or some other type of public service job). You are "changing lives" and "enacting social justice" and "championing for and shaping the future of America." Right. And I'm obviously just chopped liver because I'm trying to survive the maelstrom that is an 8th grade classroom and not sugar coat my daily professional experiences when I talk about them just to make myself sound better.

Please slap me if I ever get to a point where I'm uttering phrases like this out loud or buying these little fake chalkboards. I swear, we're not all like this.

Okay, that's all folks. That was.....cathartic!--- hope everyone sludges through their Monday mornings unscathed tomorrow!

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