Sunday, December 23, 2012

The People You Meet in Your Mid-20s: Part One

Hey. Remember when I used to blog a lot? Yeah, I don't either. But I enjoy it, and it seems as if at least some of you do too, so I'm going to try to revamp here.

During my two years of graduate school (RIP to the little piece of my soul I lost during that time), my fellow grad student friends and I invented various ways of breaking up the monotony of our classes  so as to maintain some sanity. One such way I did this was to write super judgmental blogs about the people I hated going to class with, sharing the school library with, or really just sharing the planet with in any way. Thus, The People You Meet in Grad School was born.

I've been out of grad school almost two years now, so I suppose I can't really keep that string of posts going anymore. However, lucky me! I've discovered that it doesn't really matter what life-stage you're in, new factions of highly annoying types of people sprout up like weeds in the otherwise pleasant garden of your 20-something life.

From what I can gather so far, your 20s are a pretty transient time for most people.  Especially as you creep into your mid-to-later 20 years, a lot of shit starts happening. Even if you're not literally transient, moving around from place to place just because you can, many 20-somethings are life-stage transient. They are graduating from college and Master's and law programs, taking new jobs, getting engaged, having babies, and all sorts of other things we can classify under "major" in the milestone category.

During your 20s, most people are living on their own, working full time, and paying all of their bills for the first time. For a lot of 20-somethings, these things produced an "ohdeargod" sinking feeling in our guts, caused us to put our Moms back on speed-dial, and made us wonder whether we'd still be able to continue sending our best friends pointless Emoji texts on our uber-expensive iPhones.

For some 20-somethings, however, these life changes seem to have created and fostered a monster of sorts. This monster rears its ugly head in a special form of know-it-all jackassery, usually flaunted in the form of every-five-minute, often politically-charged Facebook status updates. This, my friends, brings me to the first installment of "The People You Meet in Your Mid-20s."

1. The Self-Righteous Preacher 

Did you know that a very select group of people has ALL of life's mysteries and quandaries figured out by the time they reach 25? It's true. This phenomenon is reserved for only the most deserving of individuals, and you're probably not one of them. Just ask one of them.

How do you spot one of these prodigies of the human race, you ask? Don't worry! These people do us all the favor of broadcasting every. single. one. of their life-changing epiphanies about how we all should live our lives right there on their Facebook page. Can you believe their generosity? We don't even have to look for them! 

I like to call these beacons of "wisdom" and "advice" the Self-Righteous Preachers. Facebook is their pulpit! The dictionary definition of "preach" is to "publicly proclaim or teach," and that is exactly what these people do. Chances are, if you have a Self-Righteous Preacher somewhere in your Newsfeed, you already "hid" them long ago, probably right after they attempted to point you in the right direction (read: their direction) religiously, politically, or socially.

Do you identify with a particular political affiliation? Have no fear. The Self-Righteous Preacher will pay a friendly visit to your page and "teach" you why you are the bane of the world's existence and also a total, brainless idiot because of it. 

Example status posted by you (a normal, sane person on your own Facebook page): 
"Voted Republican today. Looking forward to tracking election results on TV tonight."

Example response by the Self-Righteous Preacher:
"You DO realize that Republicans eat puppies and kittens for breakfast and worship the Devil and caused World War II and made the stock market crash and don't believe in Santa Clause and hate America and are in secret cahoots with the oil industries to eliminate apple pie from the world and also hate America, RIGHT? You should probably do a little more research before you post your views on Facebook. Or do you just hate America and apple pie? Apple pie is delicious. Just saying."  

And just like that, you have magically changed your fundamental beliefs and taken down your status altogether! Thank God you had the Self-Righteous Preacher come along and "teach" you all the reasons you were wrong in a super insulting way.

Do you have an affinity for a particular sports team/college, enjoy shopping at Wal-Mart, or occasionally eat red meat?

Don't fret, good sir! The Self-Righteous Preacher will be right there to let you know how badly you suck for all of those things.

That sports or college team you like? They lost a game once in 1958 to a team that was using their BACKUP quarterback. Didn't you know that? The Self-Righteous Preacher did, because these individuals apparently spend every free moment they have combing through Wikipedia for inane facts they can procure in order to thrust their superior intelligence upon you, lest you dare enjoy watching this miserable sports team that lost a game. Once. You moron.

That steak or hamburger you enjoy eating from time to time? Do you know how that animal died? The Self-Righteous Preacher does. One minute, you're busy picking a sweet Instagram filter for the savory meal you just ordered and posting it on your Facebook, like any cool person would. The next minute, you're pouring through a barrage of "meat is murder!" and  gory this-is-how-the-meat-industry-kills-shit comments under your picture until you literally feel like such a worthless sack of garbage that you *actually* second-guess taking another bite of your chicken nugget. Then, of course, you eat your chicken nugget because you are NOT a self-righteous asshat and everybody knows that chicken nuggets are delicious.

Sadly, if you are even semi-active on Facebook, there is no reprieve from the Self-Righteous Preacher. These 20-something geniuses are ever-present on all of our favorite social networking sites, evidently never have any obligations to be away from Facebook, such as....I don't know... a job? or school?, and they waste NO opportunity to tell people why they are wrong about ANY given topic.

I'm not sure what kind of Koolaid these people drank in order to have the world so damn "figured out" at such an early age, but I don't think I want to drink any of it. At 25 years old, I sure as hell don't have it all together, and I'm fine with that.

So, the next time you're itching for someone to categorically cut down something you believe in or support, you don't have to look far. Just log into Facebook, click on the first Self-Righteous Preacher you find (they'll be the ones who just posted a status about why your religion or career choice makes you stupid), and simply wait for the condescending, preachy comments to roll in.


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