Friday, May 14, 2010

Friend Zones

There are many different categories of "friend." Most of us have at least a couple of friends (hopefully), and they all land on different points along the friendship spectrum.

These are my conclusions about the friend zones I have conjured up. I guess I really like to stereotypically lump people into categories (TPYMIGS). Whatever. To steal a line from a fellow blog I read, sorry I'm not sorry.

The Class Friend:

This is the person you pretend to be BFFs with while you are sitting in class with them. You don't really like them that much, and would probably never speak 2 words to this person outside of the academic world. You tend to have NOTHING in common with them past the fact that you are in the same room as them on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2-3:30. If and when this person suggests an outside-of-class rendezvous, you give them an awkward laugh and an ambiguous, but friendly response that implies neither "yes" nor "no." No way in hell do you want to go to Cool Beans with them for a cappucino and a show-and-tell of pictures of their pet canary Herbert, but you still want them on your side when you feel like bitching about your most recent assignment.

You can't taunt me with your candy, Herbert. I still don't care about you.

The Group Outlier Friend:
You're friends with this person, but you would absolutely never hang out with them one-on-one. Just the thought of hanging out with the Group Outlier by yourself spins you into an awkward panic. They are part of your larger circle of friends that you meet up with downtown, but you really don't know them on a personal level past what drink they tend to order at the bar or whether they are the person who buys rounds for the group. When they are not there, you ask where they are because it seems socially appropriate, not because you really care that much. They are strictly a "group friend."

The Opposite Sex Best Friend:
Not everybody has one of these. But every so often, a guy and girl get along so well that it seems imminent that they should either get married and have babies, or one of them should magically transform into the opposite sex so that the inevitable awkward sexual tension that will ensue can be avoided. Shit will eventually hit the fan a few times when one person or the other gets a little too caught up in the game called "are we just friends? are we more than that?" These two individuals' other friends will also regularly ask questions regarding their relationship such as "What is yall's deal anyway?" or "Are you guys romping?" It is usually a dangerous, blurred-line friendship that no one can ever really figure out, including the two people involved, and they have a tendency to make everyone else around them feel uncomfortable with their ambiguity.

The Drunk Friend:
Somehow, the only time you ever see this person is when you are out drinking. It could be waiting in line for the bathroom. It could be that you happen to sidle up next to them to order a drink at the bar. But one thing is for sure--when you see them..... you. are. EXCITED. This person becomes your best friend in the entire world in a span of seconds. A hug is usually involved, and if you have a camera, a picture becomes necessary also. If this is two girls, there are shrieks of jubilant excitement. You usually lament that you "don't hang out enough," and make plans to see each other that you both promptly forget by the morning. You get this person's phone number for the 12th time, because although you get it every time you see them, it ends up in your phone as "Chlristortpher" or "Kid from English Class I Saw at Lucky's."

we are such bffs for life!! or till it's my turn to go pee.

The Internet or Text Friend:

You can't really remember the last time you talked to this friend in person. The entirety of your friendship plays out through Facebook chats or never-ending text message/BBM conversations, which is kind of sad in a way. You "talk" to this person on a regular enough basis that you feel like you know them as well as some of your real friends. Sometimes, it is even easier to tell this person embarrassing or personal things because you know you will never actually have to own up to those things in person. If you do ever happen to run into this person in real life, the encounter is so covered in awkward-sauce that you pray it never happens again. And you avoid them on the internetz for a while. Which is pretty easy to do. Because its the internetz.

The Family Member Friend:
Slightly self-explanatory, but this friend is a member of your family. You are friends with them because you sort of have to be, but oftentimes you happen to sort of like them also. The best thing about a family member friend is you can literally tell them anything. Or at least I can. They already know almost everything about you, and are still forced to hang out with you at holidays without TOO much judgment. You can use the family members you are closer with to gang up on and chide the family members you are not as close with, which is always fun. Also, (at least in my case), family members can make you look more popular on Facebook, etc. because they will always comment on your statuses and write on your wall.

And finally....

The Bowel Movement Friend:
Perhaps this sounds a little crass. However, I firmly believe that when you reach a point with someone where you can mention anything having to do with your activities on the Porcelain Throne, you have entered a whole new realm of friendship. Family Member Friends very often fall into this category. If you text message someone FROM the toilet, that person has become a Bowel Movement Friend. If you tap your friend on the shoulder halfway into the semester and mention your Irritable Bowel Syndrome, that person has become a BM Friend. If you find it completely acceptable to release your chocolate hostages at somebody ELSE'S house, that person is a BM Friend. And if you emerge from your bathroom while you have any guests over, and proudly announce that everyone should steer clear of the bathroom lest they die a slow, painful, death by shit-fumes, those people are BM friends. I find that it is one of the highest and most prestigious levels of friendship. Males often get to this level much, much sooner than females.

I might add to this list if and when I have more epiphanies about friends. But for now, that is all.



  1. You know your blog has taken a turn for the awesome when one of your tags is "shit"! Haha!

  2. Help. I think I only have Drunk and BM friends. Never a good combo at the best of times, let alone in friendship.

  3. Drunk and BM friends are great! But come on, you've got to at least have a family member friend or two, right?


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