Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cat Ladies of the Herm

I've become a cat lady before my time.

Do I own a cat? No, I don't.

Okay, so I live by myself, I'm single, and I go to the grocery store check out line with nothing but Lean Cuisines and Cabernet.

Still, do those things qualify you as a cat lady at the tender age of 25?

Maybe, if you buy into the super-Southern super-traditional mentality that females essentially only attend college for their M-R-S degrees and should be popping out Sperry-clad spawn by age 25. 

For the time being, I am choosing not to adopt that very dated mindset. Sure, I'm 25, but I have a Bachelor's and Master's degree under my belt, a job I like going to in a field I adore, and the ways and means to live by myself and pay my own way.

AND YET............last night I became a cat lady. 

I was in the Juniors section (what? 25 year olds still shop in Juniors...) at my local Dillard's when I started receiving texts from my fabulous freak of a best friend/neighbor, Anna.

Anna and I used to be roommates, and now we live across the hall from each other in a condo building very affectionately referred to as The Herm.

When Anna and I get bored and are too lazy to walk across the hall to see if the other is home, our text message conversations start looking something like this:

 We are lazy weirdos.

So I'm at Dillard's, impulse buying a pair of fantastic new cowboy boots, when I feel a series of 3 vibrations from the phone nestled in my pocket.

When I get done paying and pull out my phone, I find these text messages from Anna:

I understand that this is probably creepy to a normal person, but I found it endearing. Plus, Anna and I swapped apartment keys when I moved in back in June.

I told Anna it would probably be 30 minutes until I was home, as my "local" Dillard's is a little hike from downtown. I suppose it was during this time period that Anna concocted and carried out her plan...

Fast forwards 30 minutes:  I walked into my apartment, and there she was, taking a snooze on my couch. We exchanged salutations, and I bee-lined it to my closet, because obviously I can't stand to have on real clothes or a bra even 60 seconds after I walk in the door from work. 

As I was hastily shedding my constricting work clothes and changing into my go-to yoga pants and men's size T-shirt............it happened.

I turned my back to my bedroom door, facing my 5th floor bedroom window, and went to glance out of said window. I noticed Anna had followed me into the room to continue a conversation when I'd gone in, but had mysteriously vanished into the common area of the apartment when I turned my back.

I looked out the window....

I then let out a scream usually only reserved for encounters with roaches or when I feel a hair or fuzz tickling the back of my neck and think it's a serial killer.

When I looked out the window, I saw this:

That's right. The creepiest face on the creepiest cat statue figurine I've ever seen. There's something oddly sinister about that cat figurine's face.

Where did it come from? How did it get there? Where do you go about purchasing something awful like this? My guess is the same place you buy decorative wall-plates and needlepoint kits and those dolls with the blinking eyes that make "crying" noises when you hold them upside down.

Anna was delighted that I had discovered one of the treasures she'd hidden during her alone-time in my apartment while she was still there to witness it. I think she was especially pleased that it scared me to the point of eliciting a full blown I-just-saw-a-roach scream.

It got better/worse from there though. One look at Anna's face and I could tell that that was not the only cat statue I'd find in my apartment that night.

 A few minutes later, when I had to go pee..........


Later still, when it got a little warm in the apartment, I went to adjust the thermostat.........

Cue the stabbing music from low-budget horror flicks, because around every turn was a new evil cat statue staring back at me.

 I started to get scared to open my pantry or fridge. I returned to the bathroom to inspect behind the shower curtain. I tentatively opened every closet door in my little Herm apartment.

There came a point where I could avoid the fridge no longer though, because I had to have my glass of Cab as I watched DVR-ed re-runs of Jeopardy.

 As I reached for the refrigerator door handle to open it.........

 There was THIS GUY. Sitting up there like he is BFFs with my ceramic ducks!!

At this point in the night, I had found 4 cat figurines and really didn't want to encounter any more, so I stopped looking. 

 Anna and I continued our night of DVR-ed episodes of Jeopardy and Criminal Minds, and eventually both went to bed.

I went to work today, corralled my 9th grade minions around all day, and came home from work soon after school got out to enjoy a relaxing afternoon.

After I came home, I needed to get an envelope out of the bookshelf where I store my envelopes.

Lurking among the smiling, happy faces of my framed friends and family was this ominous creature:

 There are a lot of questions still unanswered.

Where did Anna acquire SO MANY CAT STATUES?

Why did she decide to torment me with a cat statue easter egg hunt in my apartment?

How many more cat statues are lurking, undiscovered around the Herm 503?

I suppose I'll find out in due time....

1 comment:

  1. That cat on the bookshelf looks like he fits in with those good looking dudes in that picture. Does he drink PBR?


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