Sunday, September 23, 2012

Oh...I have a blog?

Holy neglected blog-site, Batman!

As per my usual last-day-of-the-weekend routine, I was stumbling around the internet in my typical no-bra and "workout"** shorts Sunday attire when Stumbleupon brought me to some rando's Blogger site. I thought to myself, "Oh, I have a blog!"

(**workout listed in quotation marks because let's be real honest here about how often I'm actually working out in these clothes.........never.)

I decided I wanted to write a blog post, because I used to keep up with this thing pretty regularly and I very much enjoy doing this type of writing. I came to my site, and was shocked because I haven't posted anything since April 8th. Do you know how much has happened since April 8th? So, in my usual fashion when I haven't posted anything in 10 years, I guess I'll just do a synopsis-type post of cool (or not so cool) shit that's gone down since then.

Since April 8th:

  • I turned 25. Barf.
  • I broke and replaced an iPhone, and no, I still don't have Siri. Although, from what I hear, Siri's kind of an unreliable bitch, so I won't feel too badly about this one. 
  • I moved from my 1-year stint out in the suburbs back to downtown Columbia. A wise preventative measure for me not becoming a complete social recluse. 
  • My little baby Tacoma got 4 brand new tires. Fun fact! Replacing car tires is REALLY expensive. 
  • My parents got a lakehouse on Lake Hartwell, a residence I have frequented since then. The lake house introduced us to all sorts of new things of which Stella is terrified. 
  • My brother Brian and his girlfriend Jess got engaged. Congrats yall! Sister-in-law #3, welcome to the Townes clan. 
  • I flew up to NYC for a week to bop around with Stephanie in the Big Apple for July 4th. 
  • And some other stuff probably happened too. 
But now---for the absolute most important events to address since my last post....

1. Bachelor Pad, Season 3 aired in its entirety, culminating in the epic season finale a couple weeks ago:

If y'all don't watch this show, you need to start. Bachelor Pad is a show in which 20 of the most alcoholic whack jobs from previous Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons all go to the Bachelor mansion to live together, compete against one another in challenges, and vote each other out of the house. Oh, and also hook up and drink massive amounts of booze. Sounds like a formula for debauchery, bad decisions, and excellent TV if I ever heard one.

These are some of the most unintelligent, attention hungry skanks on the planet. I'm talking people in their 20s and 30s who work at Hooter's for a "living" and can't spell the words "jewelry" or "elimination." (I'm not kidding. They actually spelled these words wrong in a spelling-bee competition).

The only competitions at which these contestants ever excel are the ones where all they have to do is stand there and look hot, or the ones that quiz them on Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia, because they obviously devote their entire lives to this reality program and trying to get on it not just once, but over and over again. If there was a competition called "Blink and Stare Vapidly and use Incorrect Grammar," they would all be winners.

Anywho, the finale of the show happens a couple of weeks ago, and in previous seasons, the $250,000 that's up for grabs gets split 50/50 down the middle because neither of the final 2 contestants has been ballsy enough to elect to "Keep" it instead of "Share," thereby getting all the money for his/herself.


Nick, the Matthew McConaughey sort-of-look-alike surprise finalist who's from Texas or somewhere where they only wear boots and Levis, who picks "Keep" the money, totally "screwing" Rachel over and immediately becoming vilified by pro-Rachel castmates. 

Umm, hold up...

Is the point of this game not to win $250,000?
Was Rachel not a huge whiny bitch to Nick and everyone else once her "love" Michael left?
Did anybody, Rachel included, give Nick the time of day the entire time he was in the house?

No, yes, and no.

Nick pulls the ultimate badass move, gives the entire cast a huge, metaphorical "F-you," and literally leaves the studio with his $250,000 check. Well played, sir, well played.

Do yourselves a favor and tune in to this juicy little program next summer when season 4 rolls around.

And finally,

2. I am no longer an 8th grade teacher. I am now a 9th grade teacher. 

The setting and students have changed, but the absurdity that accompanies the teaching profession has not.

As I sat at my parents' house watching their dogs and grading 328 student papers this weekend, I decided to resurrect those posts of blogging-past where I highlight, through pictures, the ridiculous things kids write down on their papers and turn in.

My only disclaimer is that several of these deal with Lord of the Rings. I make a habit of professing my love for all things Tolkien and Star Wars many times throughout that first week of school. The result is usually either students annoyed by my constant allusions during class, or students taking every opportunity to suck up and appeal to my love of LotR. Many of my students this year have taken the latter route, and some of the following sample pics are the result:

 Clearly, the pocket watch is the most significant item in the To Kill a Mockingbird knothole, because in "Ye Olden Days," 10 dollars was a lot of "mula*."  Please note this child's asterisk elaboration of his usage of "mula." I love it. 

"Golem skulked a lot in Lord of the Rings."  Yes. Yes he did. 5 points for Gyffindor! 

 "Galhom skulked around Froto and Sam." Again, the ass-kissing works so beautifully that I can even excuse the atrocious spelling.

This is not so much ridiculous as it is just glorious student creativity I was pumped about. These 2 guys created a print ad for To Kill a Mockingbird "TreeGum."  Radley-Curse Free!

Their task was to write 4 sentences correctly using their To Kill a Mockingbird vocabulary. This little badass chick wrote about Harry Potter, Freddy Mercury, AND Led Zeppelin in those 4 short sentences. 

The word was "gingerly."  Her sentence reads "The ginger gingerly lifted the ginger and placed it in the trash can, as she was allergic to it."  I have no words for how awesome I think this sentence is.

This little honeychild wrote every single sentence using another student in the class as his subject. "Theo did this.." "Theo did that...." Check out the last sentence though, in which "The thief skulked away as if he didn't just snatch Theo's man satchel."  Wtf? 

This one made me a little sad. "The nerds thought football was frivolous." Hey, nerds like football too! 

For some reason, when I ask them to make up sentences, other teachers constantly make cameos. They particularly love writing about Mr. O. "Mr. O makes a lot of frivolous jokes." Eureka! It took this child until 9th grade to deduce that all teachers are essentially big nerds who make corny jokes.

Here are some more To Kill a Mockingbird print ads. These are for the Scout and Jem "Second Self" soapdolls. And just in case you are uber-creeped out by Jem's demon succubus eyes, they provided this caveat.......
 "* Ann got carried away with the red eyes. They have NO connection with the story, other than the fact that the Radley's are 'cursed'"

Finally, this wasn't actually turned in. I found it on a piece of scrap paper on the floor of my classroom and it probably belongs to that same kid who wrote about Led Zeppelin above.

I only include it to illustrate the point that, you know what? I teach pretty kickass kids. :)

I'm gonna continue easing myself back into blogging. Stay tuned!

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