Oh...I have a blog?

Holy neglected blog-site, Batman!

As per my usual last-day-of-the-weekend routine, I was stumbling around the internet in my typical no-bra and "workout"** shorts Sunday attire when Stumbleupon brought me to some rando's Blogger site. I thought to myself, "Oh, I have a blog!"

(**workout listed in quotation marks because let's be real honest here about how often I'm actually working out in these clothes.........never.)

I decided I wanted to write a blog post, because I used to keep up with this thing pretty regularly and I very much enjoy doing this type of writing. I came to my site, and was shocked because I haven't posted anything since April 8th. Do you know how much has happened since April 8th? So, in my usual fashion when I haven't posted anything in 10 years, I guess I'll just do a synopsis-type post of cool (or not so cool) shit that's gone down since then.

Since April 8th:

• I turned 25. Barf.
• I broke and replaced an iPhone, and no, I still don't have Siri. Although, from what I hear, Siri's kind of an unreliable bitch, so I won't feel too badly about this one. 
• I moved from my 1-year stint out in the suburbs back to downtown Columbia. A wise preventative measure for me not becoming a complete social recluse. 
• My little baby Tacoma got 4 brand new tires. Fun fact! Replacing car tires is REALLY expensive. 
• My parents got a lakehouse on Lake Hartwell, a residence I have frequented since then. The lake house introduced us to all sorts of new things of which Stella is terrified. 
• My brother Brian and his girlfriend Jess got engaged. Congrats yall! Sister-in-law #3, welcome to the Townes clan. 
• I flew up to NYC for a week to bop around with Stephanie in the Big Apple for July 4th. 
• And some other stuff probably happened too. 

But now---for the absolute most important events to address since my last post....

1. Bachelor Pad, Season 3 aired in its entirety, culminating in the epic season finale a couple weeks ago:

If y'all don't watch this show, you need to start. Bachelor Pad is a show in which 20 of the most alcoholic whack jobs from previous Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons all go to the Bachelor mansion to live together, compete against one another in challenges, and vote each other out of the house. Oh, and also hook up and drink massive amounts of booze. Sounds like a formula for debauchery, bad decisions, and excellent TV if I ever heard one.

These are some of the most unintelligent, attention hungry skanks on the planet. I'm talking people in their 20s and 30s who work at Hooter's for a "living" and can't spell the words "jewelry" or "elimination." (I'm not kidding. They actually spelled these words wrong in a spelling-bee competition).

The only competitions at which these contestants ever excel are the ones where all they have to do is stand there and look hot, or the ones that quiz them on Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia, because they obviously devote their entire lives to this reality program and trying to get on it not just once, but over and over again. If there was a competition called "Blink and Stare Vapidly and use Incorrect Grammar," they would all be winners.

Anywho, the finale of the show happens a couple of weeks ago, and in previous seasons, the $250,000 that's up for grabs gets split 50/50 down the middle because neither of the final 2 contestants has been ballsy enough to elect to "Keep" it instead of "Share," thereby getting all the money for his/herself.

IN WALKS NICK.

Nick, the Matthew McConaughey sort-of-look-alike surprise finalist who's from Texas or somewhere where they only wear boots and Levis, who picks "Keep" the money, totally "screwing" Rachel over and immediately becoming vilified by pro-Rachel castmates. 

Umm, hold up...

Is the point of this game not to win $250,000?
Was Rachel not a huge whiny bitch to Nick and everyone else once her "love" Michael left?
Did anybody, Rachel included, give Nick the time of day the entire time he was in the house?

No, yes, and no.

Nick pulls the ultimate badass move, gives the entire cast a huge, metaphorical "F-you," and literally leaves the studio with his $250,000 check. Well played, sir, well played.

Do yourselves a favor and tune in to this juicy little program next summer when season 4 rolls around.


And finally,

2. I am no longer an 8th grade teacher. I am now a 9th grade teacher. 

The setting and students have changed, but the absurdity that accompanies the teaching profession has not.

As I sat at my parents' house watching their dogs and grading 328 student papers this weekend, I decided to resurrect those posts of blogging-past where I highlight, through pictures, the ridiculous things kids write down on their papers and turn in.

My only disclaimer is that several of these deal with Lord of the Rings. I make a habit of professing my love for all things Tolkien and Star Wars many times throughout that first week of school. The result is usually either students annoyed by my constant allusions during class, or students taking every opportunity to suck up and appeal to my love of LotR. Many of my students this year have taken the latter route, and some of the following sample pics are the result:

 Clearly, the pocket watch is the most significant item in the To Kill a Mockingbird knothole, because in "Ye Olden Days," 10 dollars was a lot of "mula*."  Please note this child's asterisk elaboration of his usage of "mula." I love it. 

"Golem skulked a lot in Lord of the Rings."  Yes. Yes he did. 5 points for Gyffindor! 

 "Galhom skulked around Froto and Sam." Again, the ass-kissing works so beautifully that I can even excuse the atrocious spelling.

This is not so much ridiculous as it is just glorious student creativity I was pumped about. These 2 guys created a print ad for To Kill a Mockingbird "TreeGum."  Radley-Curse Free!

Their task was to write 4 sentences correctly using their To Kill a Mockingbird vocabulary. This little badass chick wrote about Harry Potter, Freddy Mercury, AND Led Zeppelin in those 4 short sentences. 

The word was "gingerly."  Her sentence reads "The ginger gingerly lifted the ginger and placed it in the trash can, as she was allergic to it."  I have no words for how awesome I think this sentence is.

This little honeychild wrote every single sentence using another student in the class as his subject. "Theo did this.." "Theo did that...." Check out the last sentence though, in which "The thief skulked away as if he didn't just snatch Theo's man satchel."  Wtf? 

This one made me a little sad. "The nerds thought football was frivolous." Hey, nerds like football too! 

For some reason, when I ask them to make up sentences, other teachers constantly make cameos. They particularly love writing about Mr. O. "Mr. O makes a lot of frivolous jokes." Eureka! It took this child until 9th grade to deduce that all teachers are essentially big nerds who make corny jokes.

Here are some more To Kill a Mockingbird print ads. These are for the Scout and Jem "Second Self" soapdolls. And just in case you are uber-creeped out by Jem's demon succubus eyes, they provided this caveat.......

 

 "* Ann got carried away with the red eyes. They have NO connection with the story, other than the fact that the Radley's are 'cursed'"

Finally, this wasn't actually turned in. I found it on a piece of scrap paper on the floor of my classroom and it probably belongs to that same kid who wrote about Led Zeppelin above.

I only include it to illustrate the point that, you know what? I teach pretty kickass kids. :)


I'm gonna continue easing myself back into blogging. Stay tuned!

"Why Do You Hate Bugs So Much?"

I have about a billion answers to the inquiry of why I soo loathe the insect world.

They are gross. They are scary. They invade my personal home spaces. They are sneaky. They bite and sting. Some of them spread diseases. They are dirty. They're everywhere. Because cockroaches exist. Because bees exist. Because I hate them. Pick one!

As I sat at brunch this morning sipping Easter mimosas with two friends of mine, our conversation somehow digressed into vivid re-tellings of our respective harrowing experiences with bugs. Lord knows I have had many such encounters, and I've devoted entire posts to some of them.

The three of us recounted various tales of run-ins with insects and our insanely irrational reactions to them. Two of us tend to devolve into full on panic attacks when staring in the face of roach danger, while the other experiences total body paralysis under the same duress. Whatever your highly irrational response may be, it can be a refreshing conversation when you discover a comrade in your neurotic bug-phobe affliction.

The brunch conversation ended with me uttering this phrase: "Watch, now that we've talked about this I'm going to go home and find a roach in my apartment tonight."

Bad move, self, bad move.

No, I did not come home to a roach inside my apartment. Yet. The night is still young, so that may still be on the docket with my luck. But, no. Given what happened to me on the way home, I think I may prefer the roach.

There I am, driving home. I've got the windows down, because, you know, it's a very nice day out and I'd like to feel the breeze. I was tooling down Lake Drive, I had a chilly Diet Dr. Pepper in the cupholder, and that sweet ass Luke Bryan song was playing on the radio.

And then.......and then.....

A rogue bee flew into my open driver side window and TOTALLY EFFED UP MY WORLD.

I was going 45 miles per hour. All I could hear was the sound of trapped wings buzzing furiously. The bee was IN MY HAIR. It was in my hair. And It could not escape. I went to the Chili Peppers concert last night and this was my morning-after hair. IT WAS A HOT MESS AND THE BEE COULD NOT ESCAPE IT.

I was going 45 miles per hour. This was actually happening. I took one hand off the wheel, very unsuccessfully tried to control my breathing, and also unsuccessfully tried to feel around the rat's nest on my head for the entangled invertebrate. I kept thinking to myself how appropriate this end would be for me. Female, age 24, expires of panic attack induced by trapped bee in messy hairdo. Write it in the obituary. Anyone who knew me would not be surprised.

Finally, I found the spot in my hair where the bee was trapped. I flailed furiously. Okay. The bee was no longer in that spot in my hair. (Please keep in mind I am still trying to maintain control of my vehicle throughout this whole debacle).

Tears were streaming hard. Although the bee was no longer in my hair, I had momentarily lost it--and I always adamantly argue that a lost bug is far worse than seeing a bug in your vicinity in the first place, AND I was still trying to keep my car straight on the road through my panic and tears. The bee was now in a mystery location somewhere very close to, or as I soon found out, ON my person.

The bee had migrated to my shoulder. My shoulder. In other words--bare skin. And do you know what he did?

That godforsaken bastard stung me.

Just so we're clear, these are all the ways the bee violated me today:

1. The bee entered my personal should-be-insect-free-and-safe vehicle, which is a freak miracle in and of itself as the car was traveling at 45 mph.

2. The bee burrowed into the abyss of my morning after hair and got himself all sorts of twisted up in there, causing a panic attack and a near-collision.

3. The bee stung me. I don't know if you've been stung by a bee anytime in recent history, but it really freaking hurts. If that makes me a pansy, then you just pick up that watering can and watch me grow, because bee stings REALLY HURT.

4. The bee took away the sense of comfort and security I previously had while driving my vehicle down a nice road at 45 mph. No longer will I be able to do that without the ever-lurking fear that this may happen again. This is the same fear I harbor basically every time I go into a small bathroom. The culprit in that situation? A roach.


That's what I hate bugs. That's why I'm so scared of them. Because shit like this happens. Well--that-- coupled with a deeply ingrained, inherent fear of them that I've had since birth, I'm pretty sure.

I think the chick over at the "what should we call me" tumblr got it wrong, though. She proposed that this is what happens when people feel a bug on them:

When I Feel A Bug On Me

While this graphic is certainly true in some cases, I think the following post from her site is much more accurate for how I react when there is a bug anywhere near me:

This is What I Actually Do When There is a Bug Somewhere Near Me

I become an insane gazelle, leaping over and/or bulldozing anything or anyone in my path to escape the eminent danger posed by the bug.



I hate bugs.
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A Couple of Things Happened....

A couple of things happened in the last few weeks that are all more or less related, and serve the respective purposes of either making me feel a whole lot better or a whole lot worse about where my life currently stands. I am, after all, inching up on my 25th birthday, and events like those I am about to discuss provide different perspectives these days than they maybe used to.

*Sidenote: I turn 25 in two weeks, on Friday the 13th, and will be spending the day with 14-year-old gremlins. God help me.*

Here are the events that recently transpired:


1. About 58 more people got engaged, and said engagements were slathered all over Newsfeed:

This is not particular to this week. This happens every week---Every day! It's a logical progression, I suppose. You hit your mid-twenties---everyone you know gets engaged and hitched. I have realized, however, that when this phenomenon starts occurring, two factions start branching off among the twenty-something crowd.

You are either part of "The Married/Engaged Crowd," or the "I'm Going to Die Alone Crowd." I am (obviously) part of the latter, so I can't speak for what kind of conversations go down among the Engaged people. I can say, however, that a certain type of camaraderie forms among those social pariahs relegated to the bowels of single-dom.

I find myself texting or messaging the few people I know who are still single when yet another mutual friend becomes betrothed. One of my single friends recently posted the following message on my wall:

"Thought you would enjoy this. . .earlier this school year, I went on a date with a guy. Just went on Facebook this morning and he is engaged. Bahhhh."

As depressing as all of this is, it's still uber-comforting to know I have these fellow hold-outs to commiserate with when we lose another friend to the institution known as marriage. Whether our lack-of-nuptial-prospects is by choice or not? Well, let's just not even venture there.

So why do I mention all of this? Like I said, turning 25 is morphing my perspective. I actually thought this thought the other day....

"Man, I hope she doesn't find someone and get married all of a sudden!"

What the HELL is wrong with me? Who thinks things like that? Who actually sits there and hopes that someone else does NOT get married for the SOLE reason that you will be left with one less person to bitch to when everyone else continues to get engaged?

This girl, apparently. This will be something I work on heading into that quarter-century. You know, NOT being such a misery-loves-company Debbie Downer! Baby steps.



2. Burger King got rid of chicken fries:

That's right. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. The BK Lounge NO LONGER SELLS chicken fries.

Are you kidding me, Burger King? You discontinue your absolute most delicious menu item because you "revamped" your look and your menu in an effort to make yourself look more fancy which will never successfully happen because you are BURGER KING?! You are, by definition, NOT CLASSY. Or fancy. You are the Burger King. You give away paper crowns with your kid meals. You are represented in TV commercials by a super creepy looking "king" with a plastic face and body. You (USED TO) sell chicken nuggets in the shape of "crowns."

I rolled up to this drive-thru (it's "thru", not "through." You're at Burger King, after all). I rolled up to this drive-thru and took a little look-see at the menu. I didn't recognize it. I hadn't been to Burger King in quite some time. One thing was for sure: the menu looked odd. My eyes scanned through the typical sandwich value meals. I never ordered those anyway. They kept moving, past the #6 chicken sang-wich, and finally rested on #9. Chicken Fries! Right?..............

"#9: Homestyle Chicken Strips Meal"

Um, what? What voodoo magic is this? The BK Lounge chick finally came through on the order-box and asked me what I wanted. This is how the convo went down....

I said....."I would like chicken fries."

BK Lounge: "What?"

Me: "Chicken Fries."

BK Lounge: "What?"

Me: "Um-- do y'all not have chicken fries anymore?"

BK Lounge: "No, we don't."

Me: ".........................................."


And then I drove off.

I was pretty upset about the chicken fries. So, yet again, perspective. I'm almost 25 years old. I should not be getting so upset about a place like the BK Lounge discontinuing something like chicken fries. But I did. And kind of still am. They were fucking delicious. This is good news, though, as it gives me yet another facet of my skewed outlook on life to work on heading into Year 25!



But in all seriousness, if you never had the pleasure of partaking in Burger King's chicken fries, I feel bad for you. I am also simultaneously super jealous of you because you don't know what you're missing..........and I do.


Which brings me to....

3. And then this happened:


Let me explain this picture. The evil overlords over at Facebook finally forced all 5 billion of its users to use Timeline. Fine, Facebook, I will use Timeline. I hit "publish" on my new "timeline" today, and was subsequently forced to re-update and re-answer all sorts of questions and preferences I had already previously gone to painstaking lengths to perfect.

One of these "updates" was to my relationship status. I "updated" my relationship status to Single, which apparently created an entire Newsfeed story about my "updated" status that read:

"Shannon Townes has updated her relationship status to 'Single.'"

That Newsfeed story then apparently appeared on evvverrry one of my friends' Newsfeeds.

I did not realize this would happen, or I most likely would never have re-submitted my 'Single' status for all of Facebook to know and judge. I don't, however, judge any of these people for commenting on and liking my ignorance of how Facebook Timeline would exploit my relationship status for its own sadistic site traffic increase.

As I grow nearer and nearer to 25, there are some things I probably need to re-evaluate in my life. Perhaps the fact that I blog about BK Chicken Fries and being single have something to do with the fact that I am....still single. Until that re-evaluation occurs, however, I think I'll just go pour another glass of Pinot Grigio and text my single friends......

Cheers!

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Notes from the Margins: Teacher Edition

I think anyone who goes to any job in the world every single morning, day in and day out, knows that if you don't find little ways to entertain yourself or make it more exciting, you may very well go insane. Anyone who teaches middle school for a living is probably certifiably insane anyway, but my job is no exception to this little mantra.

I will stop what I'm doing and have conversations out loud with myself when my students are not paying attention. I will slam a book shut and make them all stand up and walk around the room when they look like they are falling asleep. I will creep over to a corner of my classroom and make odd noises, timing how long it takes them to realize I am not even at the front of the room anymore when they are "off-task."

However---hands down---my favorite form of entertainment is writing comments on their turned-in papers and assignments as I grade them. Recently, as I sifted through a ridiculously massive pile of graded work that I needed to input in my gradebook, I glanced down at some of the comments I'd written to these kids. Some of these papers were so old that I didn't even remember when I graded them or that I had written the comment, but I found myself laughing.

I don't know if these kids actually read the comments I diligently write on everything they turn in, but if they do, I hope they are getting a little laugh as well. Now that I'm conscious of some of the absurd things I am writing in response to their work, I'm making efforts each time I grade for my "constructive criticism" to also be at least a little bit entertaining for them. I figure they could use a little humor in the midst of my not-always-super-positive-or-friendly feedback.

And, as you might have guessed, I made sure to document all of my most off-the-wall handiwork, which I will share with you now......

I give you: Notes from the Margins: Teacher Edition





This student is reading one of the Percy Jackson novels, and inquired as to what a "manticore" was. I couldn't remember, so I responded with this.






Later on in that same assignment, I found out the kid had gone and Googled it, which I had also done. On a related note....Manticores are very creepy looking:







This girl "realized the punctuation was not correct" in the book she was reading. I...was...EXCITED.






Of course I have to question this kid's legitimacy and street cred if he is questioning whether or not zombies are real!! He later came up to me and asked if he had lost any points due to this comment...







My students are obsessed with incorporating my name or personal life into their written responses, example sentences, quiz answers...anything. "Ms. Townes is very gregarious on her good days." I suppose she could've written much, much worse.





And again. "Ms. Townes likes to mediate when there is horseplaying going on." What?! Horseplaying in a middle school classroom? Never.






After informing me he would only be responding to the name "Big Dog Savage" from this assignment on, I decided to indulge the kid's ridiculous request at least once. "Big Dog Savage, Good work. You made a 100. --Ms. Townes"






Okay...I get a lot of weird gibberish turned in to me, but I could not come up with a translation for this one. "Yelp, I saw an extraordinary and omit of disappointment, from the movie the Paranormal Activity 2. I sure know now why they called it choronic because it was deffinitely a waste of my time." Um....wtf? Zero.





I graded and wrote this on 67 quizzes before I realized I might want to come up with a better acronym for deducting points for incorrect "part of speech," or "P.O.S." 1/2 off, piece of.....






The student's thoughts? "It's official Count Olaf is a creeper. He looks and sounds like one. This is a weird book." My comment? Creepers need love too!










What exactly does it mean to "have a stretched butt?" I am at a loss.








Sometimes, I respond to their work as if I have a British accent. At least 2 sentences please, good sir!







This student's Double Entry Journal reads "I hate when that happens because then I always wish I had the Force to bring it over to me. When I do that, my mom or dad walks and then they call me weird." These kids are either epically awesome in their continued Star Wars allusions, or they know how to suck up with the best of 'em. Either way, I am digging it.




The assignment was to write a parody of a well-known children's story, and this student chose Little Red Riding Hood. We are adamantly working on grammar and spelling, however, so that Grandma never gets "raped up with some rope" ever, ever again.







Originally, my comment to this simply read "I lol-ed here. You kill me!" I then went back and added the (metaphorically, with laughter) so as to avoid sticky interpretations of what I had written.





Student: "How did he prove Hitler wrong. Was Hitler a raceist man?"
Teacher: "YES. The Holocaust???.........(head explodes).





Sometimes, I might be a little bit too snarky. "How can a human just magically fly. You can't fly around anything." My response? "In a plane." Of course, this is the same student who asked if Hitler was racist, so.....................................yeah.



And finally, some other random little notes or tidbits picked up here and there on any given schoolday.

"Ms. Townes, life in the world is like a box. That's why I drew you as a mermaid so you can be free."




"Ms. Townes a ass-hole because she talk to much." Self-explanatory?




My affinity for Diet Coke even made it on to the Algebra test!




That's all (for now) folks! I'll leave y'all with an image from the heygirlteacher tumblr (if you haven't been there yet....Go!) that is super appropriate given the content of this blog post:

Why thank you, Ryan Gosling. :)

In the words of Peter Griffin...

You know what really grinds my gears? As it turns out, a lot of things. So much for positive posts or non-venting posts or being thankful for shit. Sometimes, you just want to bitch---which is probably what I'm about to do.

A pet peeve is defined as "a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it." Pet peeves might as well be defined as "petty, relatively insignificant things that should not drive an individual into a fit of unnecessary rage....but do anyway."

Pet peeves are the weird shit we all respectively hate. The kinds of things you overlook on a first or second date because you don't want to seem judgmental or shallow, but you know for a fact it's going to end up being a deal breaker. The kinds of things that instantly make you best friends with someone when you discover that they hate them, too.

The other thing about pet peeves it that the ones that drive you batshit crazy might seem completely socially acceptable to someone else, so you really do look super judgmental and weird and irrational for letting it get to you.

In honor of these precious little quirks of the human experience....I compiled a list. Granted, these things and this list have probably fluctuated wildly over time, so these are only a reflection of my current station in life. Still, a good rant and rave session is good for the soul every once in a while, so here goes...


1. When People Refer to Cockroaches as "Palmetto Bugs"

One of the worst euphemisms I've ever heard. Whoever coined the term "Palmetto bug" has obviously never actually encountered one of these hideous monsters before. Palmetto Bug makes it sound like we're talking about an adorable little animal that you keep as a pet and walk on a leash on Sunday afternoons. Um, NO. These vile abominations of nature should just be called cockroaches....a nasty sounding word for a nasty insect. If we're going to give it a nickname, at least let it be a more appropriate one like the Nausea Bug or the Sadist Beetle, as anyone who's encountered one is familiar with the torture they like to impart on their victims.

"Palmetto Bug"? No sir.



2. Writing With or Reading Something Written with a Non-Mechanical Pencil

The sound that a non-mechanical old school pencil makes when pushed across a piece of notebook paper is cringe-worthy. The awful scratchiness causes me to do that involuntary neck-jerk-shudder that occurs when one hears such an offensive sound. Teaching has further tainted my opinion of traditional pencils. These pencils are cheap, so inevitably they are the kind I buy to loan out to students who come to class without a PENCIL in the 8th grade. When I get the pencil back, it is covered with 14-year-old slime and the way it feels makes me want to throw up and sanitize my entire body. Plus, their already borderline-illegible handwriting is worsened tenfold by the smudgy hot mess these pencils create on a page.

3. People Who Haven't Seen Any of the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings Movies....Ever

I know you're probably thinking I'm really biased with this one, and it's true, I really, really love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. However, these movies are verifiable landmarks of popular culture, regardless of your opinion of them. They tell epic stories in wildly fantastic settings of battles of good versus evil, and just generally embody cinematic perfection in every way, in my opinion. To quote one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows, here is Marshall Ericson with his opinion of my #3 pet peeve:

"She's never seen Star Wars?! Ted, the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters IN Star Wars, and that's cause they lived 'em, Ted. That's cause they lived the Star Wars."




4. Incorrect Spelling of the Word "Definitely"

Oh. My. God. General public, learn how to spell this word before my head explodes. Worst incorrect spellings of this word include:

"Definately"
"Defanately"
"Definitly"
"Defanatly"

Oh--and guess what? "Defiantly" is a completely *different* word with a definition of its own! Not that I would expect someone who can't spell 'definitely' to know the definition of 'defiantly." If you haven't learned to spell this word right, then I am DEFINITELY judging you.

5. Missing the Previews

You know what? Some people really, really enjoy previews. For some people, the previews are almost as exciting and entertaining as the movie itself. I can't articulate how bad it chaps my ass when people utter the phrase, "It's okay. We'll only miss the previews!" and then act annoyed when you turn into Spazzy McSpazzerson because they are causing you to miss the new Hunger Games trailer. I would rather go to a movie by myself, where I can get there early enough to scoop up my 44oz. Diet Coke and snag a sweet seat LONG before there is any danger of missing a preview, than go to the movies with one of these preview-hating freaks.

6. iPhone Haters

If you have an iPhone, you definitely know who I'm talking about here. If you don't have an iPhone, you probably still know who I'm talking about, or you are one of these people. These are the people who have nothing but insults for iPhones, Apple, and the people who own these products. It's like if you got an iPhone for Christmas or your birthday, you are suddenly Satan's spawn because you succumbed to the cult of Steve Jobs. People don't get iPhones because they are sellouts or wannabe hipsters. People get iPhones because they are absolutely badass, superior machines. I'm also convinced that everyone claims they "don't want an iPhone...".........until they get an iPhone.

Yes--it really is THAT awesome.

7. Hand Sanitizer

It grosses me out when people swear by hand sanitizer. For some reason, it seems like it's just moving the grime around on their hands instead of accomplishing anything. My students are the worst offenders of thinking hand sanitizer is the be-all-end-all of hygiene. I swear to god it is making them stickier and nastier than they were before they put hand sanitizer all over their hands and forearms. I suppose it is better than not doing anything at all if you absolutely can't get to soap and water. I'd rather send the little gremlins straight to the bathroom than watch them slather that crap all over their hands, go back to their seats, and touch a whole bunch of shit before it even dries. Gross.

8. Idiotic Girls

These are the girls you consider blocking from your Facebook news feed because every time you log in you are forced to look at 7 new posts from them to all of their "besties" with wayyyyy tooooo manyyyyyy letters on the end of every word because they're just so exciiiited! These girls might not actually be that immature or unintelligent, but they present themselves that way for some ridiculous mentality that it makes them seem cute or otherwise desirable I guess. Intelligent, educated females almost always scoff at these individuals because they make the rest of us look so bad.

9. Lofty Idealists

You find these a lot in the world education, and there's nothing inherently wrong with having lofty dreams and ambitions. The pet peeve occurs when these people try to shove this crap down YOUR throat incessantly. They make you feel like you clearly aren't doing as good of a job as them because you don't drink the Koolaid and spout magical fairy bullshit about how you're changing the world.

We get it. You're a teacher (or some other type of public service job). You are "changing lives" and "enacting social justice" and "championing for and shaping the future of America." Right. And I'm obviously just chopped liver because I'm trying to survive the maelstrom that is an 8th grade classroom and not sugar coat my daily professional experiences when I talk about them just to make myself sound better.

Please slap me if I ever get to a point where I'm uttering phrases like this out loud or buying these little fake chalkboards. I swear, we're not all like this.


Okay, that's all folks. That was.....cathartic!--- hope everyone sludges through their Monday mornings unscathed tomorrow!

You May Daydream of SugarPlum Fairies

....or, if you're a teacher, you may daydream of the tiniest inkling of a HINT of appreciation from your students. Ever. But especially as you roll into the holidays and Christmas break.

And...my dear sweet friends, I got that on Friday. All of my trials and tribulations from the past five months were validated on Friday at school with my gremlins (and I do hope that at this point you realize I'm using that term most affectionately).

This past week was the last week before a glorious fortnight in which teachers and students alike loll around like slovenly heathens who don't have to work for a living. Or whatever it is you like to do during winter break....

Thus, I had three trying days of instruction/Midterm review on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, followed by a Thursday and Friday consisting of Midterm exam administration. Thursday was for Part 1: Reading, and Friday was reserved for Part 2: Writing.

For me, this week posed two challenges, and they were: First, what do I do for my students for Christmas, if anything? Lord knows teachers are financially challenged, but I didn't want to send them off into the holidays completely empty-handed. Second, if I get them anything, what day do I carve out 30 minutes of time to give them their presents where it would not interfere with Midterm review or actually taking the Midterm?

The easier part was choosing what to give them. I decided to make every student I teach a "paper plate award." Paper plate awards are exactly what they sound like. Paper plates, decorated by yours truly, that celebrate some quirk or talent of each individual student. They take a good little chunk of time to make, because you first have to go through all of your rosters and concoct an individualized, specific "award" for each student......and then you actually have to decorate the paper plates.

I then decided that if I hammer in Midterm review for two and a half days straight, I could reserve the end of my class period on Wednesday for paper plate award dissemination.

Now, I like to get UBER specific with my paper plate awards. None of this generic "Class Clown" or "Most Improved" or "Most Likely to Succeed" bullshit.

No. My paper plate ceremony included such prestigious awards as:

"Most Steptastic (but NO you are not at Step practice you are in ELA!) Award"
"Most Likely to try to use his charm to get out of trouble Award"
"Most Likely to make me forget I'm talking to a 14 year old because you're so mature Award"
"Most Entertaining Explanations for why he is out of his seat at any given time Award"
"Most Random Question-Asker Award"
"Breath of Fresh Air Award" (for those THANK THE LORD students who are literally "breaths of fresh air" among their rowdy classmates)
"Most Reliable Participator Award"


You get the point. I gave a short "build up" speech before I presented each award to create anticipation and let my students kind of guess who it was going to be. I don't know if it was more fun for them or for me.

When Thursday and Friday rolled around, I knew that two days straight of test taking was going to be almost more than they could bear, so I was glad I had given the awards (and given them an academic break) on Wednesday.

This is the message I displayed on my SmartBoard for students about what were acceptable post-exam behaviors and activities:

"THINGS THAT ARE ACCEPTABLE TO DO WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR EXAM:

1. Read a book.
2. Work on a Double Entry Journal.
3. Work on any late or missing assignments you have for my class.
4. NOT TALK.
5. Write an extra-credit Parody or Double Entry Journal.
6. Do a crossword puzzle or word search (on the back table).
7. Study for another exam.
8. NOT wander around the room.
9. NOT TALK.
10. Daydream about sugarplum fairies and candy canes.
11. Write an explanation for why Star Wars is the greatest movie ever made.
12. NOT TALK.
13. Write a story about a far away fantasy land where students never have to take midterms.
14. Write an explanation for why Lord of the Rings is the greatest movie ever made.

15. OH----OR NOT TALK."

As you can see, they had plenty of options for activities to occupy their time when they finished my exam.

You may have inferred that some of these options were placed on the board in a half-joking manner. Therefore, imagine my surprise when one of my fourth block students ACTUALLY WROTE AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY STAR WARS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, albeit he tweaked it slightly.

This was, hands down, the single greatest piece of student writing I have received in my teaching career to date. It was so awesome that I will now provide a picture and a complete transcription of the written piece.

"Star Wars has got to be the second greatest movie ever made. With that being said, Lord of the Rings has to be the best movie in the history of movie making. Sure, Star Wars is a combination of action, adventure, and science fiction, but Lord of the Rings has all of my favorite genres-- action, adventure, fantasy, and drama. On top of that, Lord of the Rings has a way better story line than Star Wars. I would rather watch a noble quest while battling creatures than space dudes fighting for the galaxy. Also, the Jedi have got to be the biggest hypocrites in space. They are always talking about bringing peace to the galaxy while they are carrying weapons and slicing dudes arms off. The Brotherhood of the Ring at least are honorable enough to die for their land. The Jedi just send out their clones to do their dirty work for them. Just because there are unlimited amounts of them doesn't mean they don't have feelings. With all that being said, Lord of the Rings has got to be the best movie ever made."

Oh. My. God.

You sir, get an A! I don't even care that you called it the "brotherhood" instead of the "fellowship" of the ring. YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE STUDENT EVER.

Do I seriously get paid to be in charge of a classroom where students write me EPIC SHIT like this because they know how much I love Lord of the Rings??

And finally....one of the reasons that teaching is the best job on the planet.

As aforementioned, Friday was the last school day before break. I was fully expecting 1 or 2 notes or "Merry Christmas-es" from some of my sweetheart students. However, I was absolutely NOT expecting all of the thoughtful letters, well-wishes, and gifts I received on Friday...

Please note the TWO 2-liters of Diet Coke.....from 2 different students..... They know me too well.

My favorite thing about Friday was not that I received gifts from my students--I definitely didn't need anything tangible from them. It was the tiny bit of confirmation that everything I've been trying to accomplish or the relationships I've been trying to form with them since August have not been completely in vain. Small victories.




Another 4th block student crafted her own "award" for me. The "Dang I need a Diet Coke, Y'all!" Award..........Apparently I say that phrase entirely too often if this student thinks I deserve a personalized award for it.

There were many hugs exchanged in the hallway outside my classroom door after the end-of-day bell rang on Friday, and I daresay I will actually miss those little gremlins until January 2nd.

Do I become frustrated with, complain about, and become baffled by my 14-year-olds on a daily basis? Maybe.

Do I have the best classes in the world? Oh HELL yes.

happy holidays yall :)

A List of Positives

During one of my recent trips down the StumbleUpon rabbit hole, I came upon one of those hokey "better yourself" articles that advised readers to make a "list of positives" about their life or career. Normally, my reaction to an article of this nature would be to hit the stumble button immediately, but because I'm nearing the end of my first semester of teaching 8th grade and experiencing the mental and physical fatigue that accompanies it, I decided to give it a go.

Here is my list of positives.

1. I am out of grad school and receive an actual, real-person paycheck every two weeks.

I'm not sure when the excitement that I experience on the 15th and 30th of the month goes away, but I don't think it will be anytime soon. I now have the liberty of treating myself to things such as Tervis tumblers whenever my heart desires, unlimited supplies of Raid cans, more black shirts to accompany the 57 black shirts I already own because I'm obsessed with black shirts, Cab Sauv that's nicer than 4 dollar Fisheye, and new bath mats when mine seem gross because I'm too lazy to actually try to clean them. And the best part? Not having to justify seemingly ridiculous or unnecessary purchases to anyone! What? You think buying 6 Raid cans at a time is excessive? Doesn't matter anymore! Positive.

2. I have the most entertaining job on the planet.

As you probably know, I teach 8th grade. I know people use this phrase to describe things at an alarmingly cliche frequency, but there is literally never. a. dull. moment. when you teach 8th grade. The other day, I had a student raise his hand in the middle of a lesson on extended metaphor and ask, out of the blue, "Ms. Townes, can a person be a girl and a boy at the same time?" I could not make this shit up.

My students "open my eyes" every single day, and not in the cheesy way you're thinking. Through teaching them, I've learned that.....Yes, you do actually have to say, out loud, that it is NOT okay to make a public display of farting in class. It is NOT okay to write "Shamika has mad swagg, yo" on the Smartboard while I'm working one on one with another student. It is NOT okay to tell your teacher that if she would just get a boyfriend or a husband, she probably wouldn't be such a big fat jerk. (True stories.)

So yes, my job provides me never-ending entertainment in the form of 8th grade drama, baggage, academic confusion, and general unexpected events. All 6 of the teachers on my team were grateful we made it through 4th block on Friday after our hallway looked like a scene straight out of Mean Girls at class-change between 3rd and 4th block, complete with verbal threats, weave-pulling, attempts at physical attacks, and shying just short of a circle of students screaming "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

As a coworker often says..."8th graders....A work in progress." Positive.

3. I have an enormous, quirky, awesome family.

I know everyone says that their family is the best. We are all incredibly biased towards our own kin. I have the good fortune of having an immediate family of 7, plus 2 wonderful sisters-in-law, nieces and nephews they've spawned, and a wide array of unique extended family members. As a collective group, we are inappropriate, politically incorrect, brazen, blunt, and crude. I realize those don't exactly sound like positive attributes, but I maintain that they absolutely are. We're like the Greek side of the family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. You know, the awesome, drunken side? Our family increases in number even more when you factor in that we creepily treat our three goldendoodles like humans. Oh, and the dogs enjoy getting drunk as well. Positive.

4. I can drink wine and watch How I Met Your Mother and Criminal Minds way more often than is socially acceptable.

Hypothetical situation: My kids acted insane that school day. Because of that, I left school at 3:45pm, went home, poured a glass of Merlot (at 3:45pm), and engaged in a 6 hour marathon of DVR-ed How I Met Your Mother episodes.
Is this something that I should proudly admit in this internet forum? Probably not.

Are these activities that I can feel free to participate in and not feel guilty about because I pay my own rent and have my own job and don't have a paper due for grad school and I will lose my sanity if I don't partake in? Yes. Positive.

5. I have the opportunity to be a staunch advocate for nerds.

This one probably sounds weird. It stems from the fact that, again, I teach 8th graders. Therefore, I unfortunately witness firsthand the evil that is bred in a middle school environment; namely, bullying. I preach to my students the benefits and general awesomeness that comes with knowing and loving stories such as Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. My students make fun of me for this daily, and that is just fine. I own it and I love it.

What I don't own and love? Students making fun of each other. For any reason at all. I was never an active member of the super popular crowd in middle and high school, and I liked it that way. I did not like those groups of people when I WENT to school with them, and it is truly a beautiful thing to not have to tolerate that kind of behavior in teaching them. I tell my students outright that that kind of disgusting behavior is intolerable in my classroom, and work very hard to be constantly vigilant of it, and when I can, put a stop to it. Positive.

6. I can cheer myself up by hanging out with people of the canine variety whenever I want.

Please note that I said "people" of the canine variety. That's right....dogs. Can we all agree to the general consensus that dogs are freaking awesome? They are natural anti-depressants in furry, tail-wagging, unnaturally-always-happy form.

I get my regular dose of canine-endorphines in 1 of 2 ways. The first way....I drive the 1.5 hours up to Steve and Suz's house in Greenville, where I am ecstatically greeted by Dixie, Ginger, and of course, my freak of nature Stella. The second way.....I make a 10 minute drive from my apartment to a little place called Pets, Inc, off highway 20 in Lexington. There, I can take potential adoptees on walks and almost go home with 6 different new pets on any given day. Positive.

How can anyone be upset with the world when they look at a face like this?

Not this girl!


I realize this blog is a bit of a departure from my usual style, but with Christmas coming and all that sappy BS, It's somewhat refreshing to sit here and think about the awesome in my life.


I'm going to try and keep this positive attitude up as my students file in for 1st block in about 10 hours, but we'll see what they have in store for me instead. My guess is that it will involve random hatred for me and my subject matter, massive life-ending drama with a best friend, and hair weave-scattering across my classroom floor.

The positive? Two more weeks until Christmas break. :)