In the words of Peter Griffin...

You know what really grinds my gears? As it turns out, a lot of things. So much for positive posts or non-venting posts or being thankful for shit. Sometimes, you just want to bitch---which is probably what I'm about to do.

A pet peeve is defined as "a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it." Pet peeves might as well be defined as "petty, relatively insignificant things that should not drive an individual into a fit of unnecessary rage....but do anyway."

Pet peeves are the weird shit we all respectively hate. The kinds of things you overlook on a first or second date because you don't want to seem judgmental or shallow, but you know for a fact it's going to end up being a deal breaker. The kinds of things that instantly make you best friends with someone when you discover that they hate them, too.

The other thing about pet peeves it that the ones that drive you batshit crazy might seem completely socially acceptable to someone else, so you really do look super judgmental and weird and irrational for letting it get to you.

In honor of these precious little quirks of the human experience....I compiled a list. Granted, these things and this list have probably fluctuated wildly over time, so these are only a reflection of my current station in life. Still, a good rant and rave session is good for the soul every once in a while, so here goes...


1. When People Refer to Cockroaches as "Palmetto Bugs"

One of the worst euphemisms I've ever heard. Whoever coined the term "Palmetto bug" has obviously never actually encountered one of these hideous monsters before. Palmetto Bug makes it sound like we're talking about an adorable little animal that you keep as a pet and walk on a leash on Sunday afternoons. Um, NO. These vile abominations of nature should just be called cockroaches....a nasty sounding word for a nasty insect. If we're going to give it a nickname, at least let it be a more appropriate one like the Nausea Bug or the Sadist Beetle, as anyone who's encountered one is familiar with the torture they like to impart on their victims.

"Palmetto Bug"? No sir.



2. Writing With or Reading Something Written with a Non-Mechanical Pencil

The sound that a non-mechanical old school pencil makes when pushed across a piece of notebook paper is cringe-worthy. The awful scratchiness causes me to do that involuntary neck-jerk-shudder that occurs when one hears such an offensive sound. Teaching has further tainted my opinion of traditional pencils. These pencils are cheap, so inevitably they are the kind I buy to loan out to students who come to class without a PENCIL in the 8th grade. When I get the pencil back, it is covered with 14-year-old slime and the way it feels makes me want to throw up and sanitize my entire body. Plus, their already borderline-illegible handwriting is worsened tenfold by the smudgy hot mess these pencils create on a page.

3. People Who Haven't Seen Any of the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings Movies....Ever

I know you're probably thinking I'm really biased with this one, and it's true, I really, really love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. However, these movies are verifiable landmarks of popular culture, regardless of your opinion of them. They tell epic stories in wildly fantastic settings of battles of good versus evil, and just generally embody cinematic perfection in every way, in my opinion. To quote one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows, here is Marshall Ericson with his opinion of my #3 pet peeve:

"She's never seen Star Wars?! Ted, the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters IN Star Wars, and that's cause they lived 'em, Ted. That's cause they lived the Star Wars."




4. Incorrect Spelling of the Word "Definitely"

Oh. My. God. General public, learn how to spell this word before my head explodes. Worst incorrect spellings of this word include:

"Definately"
"Defanately"
"Definitly"
"Defanatly"

Oh--and guess what? "Defiantly" is a completely *different* word with a definition of its own! Not that I would expect someone who can't spell 'definitely' to know the definition of 'defiantly." If you haven't learned to spell this word right, then I am DEFINITELY judging you.

5. Missing the Previews

You know what? Some people really, really enjoy previews. For some people, the previews are almost as exciting and entertaining as the movie itself. I can't articulate how bad it chaps my ass when people utter the phrase, "It's okay. We'll only miss the previews!" and then act annoyed when you turn into Spazzy McSpazzerson because they are causing you to miss the new Hunger Games trailer. I would rather go to a movie by myself, where I can get there early enough to scoop up my 44oz. Diet Coke and snag a sweet seat LONG before there is any danger of missing a preview, than go to the movies with one of these preview-hating freaks.

6. iPhone Haters

If you have an iPhone, you definitely know who I'm talking about here. If you don't have an iPhone, you probably still know who I'm talking about, or you are one of these people. These are the people who have nothing but insults for iPhones, Apple, and the people who own these products. It's like if you got an iPhone for Christmas or your birthday, you are suddenly Satan's spawn because you succumbed to the cult of Steve Jobs. People don't get iPhones because they are sellouts or wannabe hipsters. People get iPhones because they are absolutely badass, superior machines. I'm also convinced that everyone claims they "don't want an iPhone...".........until they get an iPhone.

Yes--it really is THAT awesome.

7. Hand Sanitizer

It grosses me out when people swear by hand sanitizer. For some reason, it seems like it's just moving the grime around on their hands instead of accomplishing anything. My students are the worst offenders of thinking hand sanitizer is the be-all-end-all of hygiene. I swear to god it is making them stickier and nastier than they were before they put hand sanitizer all over their hands and forearms. I suppose it is better than not doing anything at all if you absolutely can't get to soap and water. I'd rather send the little gremlins straight to the bathroom than watch them slather that crap all over their hands, go back to their seats, and touch a whole bunch of shit before it even dries. Gross.

8. Idiotic Girls

These are the girls you consider blocking from your Facebook news feed because every time you log in you are forced to look at 7 new posts from them to all of their "besties" with wayyyyy tooooo manyyyyyy letters on the end of every word because they're just so exciiiited! These girls might not actually be that immature or unintelligent, but they present themselves that way for some ridiculous mentality that it makes them seem cute or otherwise desirable I guess. Intelligent, educated females almost always scoff at these individuals because they make the rest of us look so bad.

9. Lofty Idealists

You find these a lot in the world education, and there's nothing inherently wrong with having lofty dreams and ambitions. The pet peeve occurs when these people try to shove this crap down YOUR throat incessantly. They make you feel like you clearly aren't doing as good of a job as them because you don't drink the Koolaid and spout magical fairy bullshit about how you're changing the world.

We get it. You're a teacher (or some other type of public service job). You are "changing lives" and "enacting social justice" and "championing for and shaping the future of America." Right. And I'm obviously just chopped liver because I'm trying to survive the maelstrom that is an 8th grade classroom and not sugar coat my daily professional experiences when I talk about them just to make myself sound better.

Please slap me if I ever get to a point where I'm uttering phrases like this out loud or buying these little fake chalkboards. I swear, we're not all like this.


Okay, that's all folks. That was.....cathartic!--- hope everyone sludges through their Monday mornings unscathed tomorrow!

Words with Creepy Strangers

I'm obsessed with Words with Friends. I'm a self-proclaimed Words addict.

For those of you living under rocks, Words with Friends is a Scrabble-esque application on the iPhone, iTouch, iPad, Droid phones, and probably some other platforms of which I'm unaware.

You play it just like regular Scrabble, complete with double letter and triple word scores and a 7-letter queue of tiles you choose from during each of your turns. So many people have this application on some platform by now that most of them have enough games going simultaneously with people they actually know to get their fix.

For some Words with Friends crackheads, however, that's not enough. They need to have the maximum amount of games going at the same time as they possibly can (which is 20 games by the way, I'm always at the limit).

To accomplish this, one is forced to sometimes create games with a "random opponent." In other words, some other Words aficionado out there in cyberspace who is just sitting on his or her phone waiting for the game requests to come in.

I started one such game this morning.

I've started many games of this type, and they usually just fall into my game list and blend in among the other games with people I do actually know.

But not this game.

About ten or so moves into this game, I noticed that the little green chat bubble had 3 new messages from this RANDOM Words with Friends opponont (yes, you can "chat" instant- message-style with anyone you're playing with).

I found that a little bit odd, but sometimes even random strangers like to comment on a particularly awkward board or a really baller word you just played.

But not this girl.

When I opened up the chat window, I had to read through the messages twice because I was so taken aback.

This person,"tatiana," was BERATING me for not playing back fast enough. Now, this MIGHT, in some alternate universe, be sorta, kinda, maybe, acceptable if I had taken hours or even days to play a word back to this girl. That was not the case though. She had made her last move literally four minutes prior to these messages coming in.

At first I was a little peeved I was getting yelled at, since I pride myself on having a pathetic enough life to be able to play people back in this game within minutes of their move coming into my phone.

But then I just laughed, because this person was obviously 12 years old, or pretending to be, and I decided to engage in the conversation for a little while. I took screen shots of the whole shebang because I was so amused.

After messaging back and forth with her a few times, I wanted to tell her that she couldn't be more than 14 years old because she reminds me of my 9th grade students from last semester. But you know what? That would be an insult to my awesome 9th graders.





Who does this? Who asks for a stranger's real name in an online Scrabble game chat window?


Oh, thank God she's *not* a freak!




I couldn't have crammed more stereotypical preteen word vomit into one message if I had made it up myself.

Ohhh, okay. She has an iPod Touch, NOT an iPhone. That changes everything!

I know she asked me to quit the game over three hours ago, but as of now she's still just lingering in Words with Friends purgatory out of spite.

Here's hoping for better luck with future random opponents, and if you ever happen to receive a request for a random game with "tatiana1228," I'd advise not accepting that invitation.

The Phantom Cone

You are all now cordially invited to address me as "Master," preferably in a tone appropriate for a Sith lord or otherwise highly revered being.

Yes, I graduated from my Master's program. I haven't posted on here since February, and a few milestones have occurred since then.

Since February, I successfully completed an absolutely fantastic student teaching internship, sold my soul to Steve Jobs and succumbed to the iPhone, turned the ripe old age of 24, and began searching and interviewing for my very first teaching job for the 2011-2012 school year. Of those things, the only fun part has been the iPhone and a new, sick obsession with the Words with Friends and TapZoo apps.


Yes, I have a virtual zoo on my phone and yes, I want to be your neighbor.

So far, the only negative thing I can say about the iPhone is that my texts still often make me look like a drunken 4-year-old. I've had it since March and I still have not conquered that cursed touch screen keyboard.

Soon, keyboard. Soon.

The task of chronicling everything I've done or seen since February seems too daunting to me on this lazy Sunday. Instead, I'm just going to try to make a couple of succinct reflections about the end of my graduate program, and then discuss something I think is interesting and funny that happened to me last night.

So, what did I actually learn in my graduate program? That's a very difficult question, seeing as I considered a lot of what I did in grad school to be what I call "graduate level busy work." However, after twenty-four months of grad classes, I was bound to come away with something, right? I know my parents and their tuition money sure hope so.

This is what I think one learns in grad school:

1. If you thought you were a good procrastinator before, graduate school will push you beyond your wildest realm of imagination in this regard.

My paper-writing record was 6 pages in fifteen minutes, and I'm pretty sure I was also drunk. As the saying supposedly goes, "some papers are good, and some papers are done."

2. You will meet the greatest people of your life.

The individuals that comprised my cohort for the past two years are the most hilarious, intelligent, entertaining people I could have hoped to survive the trenches of grad school with. The great thing about a graduate program is you get a mixed bag of the most random group of people ever, and you probably would never have met each other if not for your very specific shared interest in secondary level English, or whatever your discipline may be.

In our small cohort alone, we had our resident "creepy old guy," the singer from a metal band called Right to Fall, a comic-book-loving-Black Belt asskicker girl, drunken theologists, former undergraduate party animals, and many other colorful characters. I feel lucky to have gone to school with this hodge podge of badass weirdos.

This is some of us pretending we have bat wings in our Master gowns. Who gave us graduate degrees again?

3. You will meet the most terrible people of your life.

As evidenced in my many posts on The People You Meet in Grad School, there are some really terrible, miserable people roaming the halls of higher education institutions. The people who live to hear the sound of their own voice, who have such an inflated sense of ego and self worth you wonder how they bear to sit in the same classrooms as mortals such as yourself, who play devil's advocate "just this once" every. single. class period.

Let's not!

I hope these people continue pursuing graduate degrees for the rest of their lives so I never have to encounter them out in the real world, and they probably will. Because that's what they do. Professors are not excluded from this category of people.

4. Being a nerd is cool and socially acceptable.

Now, depending on where you went to school and what kinds of activities you were involved in, this might ring true for some undergraduate programs. In grad school though, it is especially accurate. Suddenly it is perfectly acceptable to go to pint night and talk about nothing but Shakespeare or a project due in class next week. In fact, I found it was hard to talk about anything BUT school when I went out with my classmates.

School consumes your life, and that's okay. If a lively debate over whether Empire Strikes Back or Return of the Jedi is the better Star Wars episode made it into the conversation, that was okay. And on some rare occasions, if your friends don kilts or start speaking in rudimentary Middle English accents over a bottle of "Chaucer's Mead," that was okay too.

5. Everyone develops a superiority complex, and your school's graduate department will give any idiot a Master's degree if they pick an easy enough discipline.

I'm not excluding myself from this conclusion. Once I got to grad school, I immediately thought I was better and more worthy of praise than my undergrad counterparts. I couldn't help it. I was aware of it, and I might have even tried to quell it once or twice, but I couldn't. I got infuriated at Facebook statuses from undergraduates complaining about 5 page papers and having to go to a 50-minute-long class.

Ohh really? You think 50 minutes is a long time to sit in a classroom? Go to grad school and have fun rotting away for 3 hours straight, three times a week. (It's even more fun if they've just repainted the hallways of your classroom building and done nothing to repel the noxious fumes). Go to grad school and enjoy writing 30 page papers and compiling hundred page portfolios.

Here's the other thing. At least in my program, this complex transcended the simple grad-undergrad dichotomy. I'm sorry, Physical Education majors, but we just really didn't perceive you as being on *our* level. I'm sure these were nice, intelligent people, but in our orientation for our final semester of the program, one of them seriously asked what it meant to write something in "narrative form." Really?!

I once asked a guy in one of my grad courses which class he'd just come from. His reply was "Basketball." Not "Principles of Teaching Basketball," or maybe even "Advanced Basketball Strategies." Just basketball. And they gave him a Master's degree.

Enough ranting. That's all I have. I'm sure I also learned a great deal about teaching methods, canonical literature, adolescent psychology, or strategies for struggling readers. But mostly just those things up there.

HOKAY, SO......part two! The following incident can be filed under "weird shit that happens to me and gives me the fodder for keeping this blog in existence."

My sister drove down to my apartment from our parents' house last night to keep me company because neither of us has friends. We went to see the movie Bridesmaids. It was a funny movie. A bit predictable, a bit disgusting at times, but not a waste of money.

So we saw the movie, during which I drank approximately 44 ounces of Diet Coke, and went to find my truck in the parking lot.

That's when I spotted it. From across the parking lot. I stopped short. I grabbed Stephanie's arm and she stopped, too. She looked back at me inquisitively. I was entranced, but I spoke...

"What is that on my car?"

She looked over to my car.

"Oh my god. I don't know. What is that thing?!"

We walked a little bit closer, tentatively of course. If you've spoken to me for five minutes, you know I'm nothing if not suspicious and irrationally paranoid.

When we got close enough to determine what it was, we looked at each other and shared a why-does-this-weirdass-shit-always-happen-and-only-happen-to-members-of-our-family? kind of look.

This is what was on my car.





It's a cone.

A seemingly innocent orange parking lot/traffic cone. But why was it on my car?! Who put it there? What if there was something underneath that cone?! My truck is not at a party. It does not need a party hat. What are you doing up there CONE?

For some reason, it terrified me. It was a piece of molded orange plastic, but I was terrified. I think it was the mystery behind the cone more than the cone itself. We didn't want to touch it.

I was thinking things like "maybe there is a bomb underneath my car?" or "maybe there is someone hiding in the backseat?" Two highly irrational thoughts, because if either of those things were true, I don't think the perpetrator would have warned us about his deeds with a bright orange cone sitting like a beacon atop the car.

Stephanie ended up swatting it off the roof of the truck, and I told her to toss it in the bed. I would decide this cone's fate later.

That's where the cone still sits right now. I have no plans for the cone, and I don't even why I kept it. But it taunted me and I wasn't going to let it stay in its familiar home in that sketchy movie theater parking lot. I'm open to suggestions as to what to do with it.

Welp, that's it folks. I've re-emerged from my long blog absence. My apologies if I've rambled as a result.


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