Notes from the Margins: Teacher Edition

I think anyone who goes to any job in the world every single morning, day in and day out, knows that if you don't find little ways to entertain yourself or make it more exciting, you may very well go insane. Anyone who teaches middle school for a living is probably certifiably insane anyway, but my job is no exception to this little mantra.

I will stop what I'm doing and have conversations out loud with myself when my students are not paying attention. I will slam a book shut and make them all stand up and walk around the room when they look like they are falling asleep. I will creep over to a corner of my classroom and make odd noises, timing how long it takes them to realize I am not even at the front of the room anymore when they are "off-task."

However---hands down---my favorite form of entertainment is writing comments on their turned-in papers and assignments as I grade them. Recently, as I sifted through a ridiculously massive pile of graded work that I needed to input in my gradebook, I glanced down at some of the comments I'd written to these kids. Some of these papers were so old that I didn't even remember when I graded them or that I had written the comment, but I found myself laughing.

I don't know if these kids actually read the comments I diligently write on everything they turn in, but if they do, I hope they are getting a little laugh as well. Now that I'm conscious of some of the absurd things I am writing in response to their work, I'm making efforts each time I grade for my "constructive criticism" to also be at least a little bit entertaining for them. I figure they could use a little humor in the midst of my not-always-super-positive-or-friendly feedback.

And, as you might have guessed, I made sure to document all of my most off-the-wall handiwork, which I will share with you now......

I give you: Notes from the Margins: Teacher Edition





This student is reading one of the Percy Jackson novels, and inquired as to what a "manticore" was. I couldn't remember, so I responded with this.






Later on in that same assignment, I found out the kid had gone and Googled it, which I had also done. On a related note....Manticores are very creepy looking:







This girl "realized the punctuation was not correct" in the book she was reading. I...was...EXCITED.






Of course I have to question this kid's legitimacy and street cred if he is questioning whether or not zombies are real!! He later came up to me and asked if he had lost any points due to this comment...







My students are obsessed with incorporating my name or personal life into their written responses, example sentences, quiz answers...anything. "Ms. Townes is very gregarious on her good days." I suppose she could've written much, much worse.





And again. "Ms. Townes likes to mediate when there is horseplaying going on." What?! Horseplaying in a middle school classroom? Never.






After informing me he would only be responding to the name "Big Dog Savage" from this assignment on, I decided to indulge the kid's ridiculous request at least once. "Big Dog Savage, Good work. You made a 100. --Ms. Townes"






Okay...I get a lot of weird gibberish turned in to me, but I could not come up with a translation for this one. "Yelp, I saw an extraordinary and omit of disappointment, from the movie the Paranormal Activity 2. I sure know now why they called it choronic because it was deffinitely a waste of my time." Um....wtf? Zero.





I graded and wrote this on 67 quizzes before I realized I might want to come up with a better acronym for deducting points for incorrect "part of speech," or "P.O.S." 1/2 off, piece of.....






The student's thoughts? "It's official Count Olaf is a creeper. He looks and sounds like one. This is a weird book." My comment? Creepers need love too!










What exactly does it mean to "have a stretched butt?" I am at a loss.








Sometimes, I respond to their work as if I have a British accent. At least 2 sentences please, good sir!







This student's Double Entry Journal reads "I hate when that happens because then I always wish I had the Force to bring it over to me. When I do that, my mom or dad walks and then they call me weird." These kids are either epically awesome in their continued Star Wars allusions, or they know how to suck up with the best of 'em. Either way, I am digging it.




The assignment was to write a parody of a well-known children's story, and this student chose Little Red Riding Hood. We are adamantly working on grammar and spelling, however, so that Grandma never gets "raped up with some rope" ever, ever again.







Originally, my comment to this simply read "I lol-ed here. You kill me!" I then went back and added the (metaphorically, with laughter) so as to avoid sticky interpretations of what I had written.





Student: "How did he prove Hitler wrong. Was Hitler a raceist man?"
Teacher: "YES. The Holocaust???.........(head explodes).





Sometimes, I might be a little bit too snarky. "How can a human just magically fly. You can't fly around anything." My response? "In a plane." Of course, this is the same student who asked if Hitler was racist, so.....................................yeah.



And finally, some other random little notes or tidbits picked up here and there on any given schoolday.

"Ms. Townes, life in the world is like a box. That's why I drew you as a mermaid so you can be free."




"Ms. Townes a ass-hole because she talk to much." Self-explanatory?




My affinity for Diet Coke even made it on to the Algebra test!




That's all (for now) folks! I'll leave y'all with an image from the heygirlteacher tumblr (if you haven't been there yet....Go!) that is super appropriate given the content of this blog post:

Why thank you, Ryan Gosling. :)

In the words of Peter Griffin...

You know what really grinds my gears? As it turns out, a lot of things. So much for positive posts or non-venting posts or being thankful for shit. Sometimes, you just want to bitch---which is probably what I'm about to do.

A pet peeve is defined as "a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to him or her, to a greater degree than others may find it." Pet peeves might as well be defined as "petty, relatively insignificant things that should not drive an individual into a fit of unnecessary rage....but do anyway."

Pet peeves are the weird shit we all respectively hate. The kinds of things you overlook on a first or second date because you don't want to seem judgmental or shallow, but you know for a fact it's going to end up being a deal breaker. The kinds of things that instantly make you best friends with someone when you discover that they hate them, too.

The other thing about pet peeves it that the ones that drive you batshit crazy might seem completely socially acceptable to someone else, so you really do look super judgmental and weird and irrational for letting it get to you.

In honor of these precious little quirks of the human experience....I compiled a list. Granted, these things and this list have probably fluctuated wildly over time, so these are only a reflection of my current station in life. Still, a good rant and rave session is good for the soul every once in a while, so here goes...


1. When People Refer to Cockroaches as "Palmetto Bugs"

One of the worst euphemisms I've ever heard. Whoever coined the term "Palmetto bug" has obviously never actually encountered one of these hideous monsters before. Palmetto Bug makes it sound like we're talking about an adorable little animal that you keep as a pet and walk on a leash on Sunday afternoons. Um, NO. These vile abominations of nature should just be called cockroaches....a nasty sounding word for a nasty insect. If we're going to give it a nickname, at least let it be a more appropriate one like the Nausea Bug or the Sadist Beetle, as anyone who's encountered one is familiar with the torture they like to impart on their victims.

"Palmetto Bug"? No sir.



2. Writing With or Reading Something Written with a Non-Mechanical Pencil

The sound that a non-mechanical old school pencil makes when pushed across a piece of notebook paper is cringe-worthy. The awful scratchiness causes me to do that involuntary neck-jerk-shudder that occurs when one hears such an offensive sound. Teaching has further tainted my opinion of traditional pencils. These pencils are cheap, so inevitably they are the kind I buy to loan out to students who come to class without a PENCIL in the 8th grade. When I get the pencil back, it is covered with 14-year-old slime and the way it feels makes me want to throw up and sanitize my entire body. Plus, their already borderline-illegible handwriting is worsened tenfold by the smudgy hot mess these pencils create on a page.

3. People Who Haven't Seen Any of the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings Movies....Ever

I know you're probably thinking I'm really biased with this one, and it's true, I really, really love Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. However, these movies are verifiable landmarks of popular culture, regardless of your opinion of them. They tell epic stories in wildly fantastic settings of battles of good versus evil, and just generally embody cinematic perfection in every way, in my opinion. To quote one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite shows, here is Marshall Ericson with his opinion of my #3 pet peeve:

"She's never seen Star Wars?! Ted, the only people in the universe who have never seen Star Wars are the characters IN Star Wars, and that's cause they lived 'em, Ted. That's cause they lived the Star Wars."




4. Incorrect Spelling of the Word "Definitely"

Oh. My. God. General public, learn how to spell this word before my head explodes. Worst incorrect spellings of this word include:

"Definately"
"Defanately"
"Definitly"
"Defanatly"

Oh--and guess what? "Defiantly" is a completely *different* word with a definition of its own! Not that I would expect someone who can't spell 'definitely' to know the definition of 'defiantly." If you haven't learned to spell this word right, then I am DEFINITELY judging you.

5. Missing the Previews

You know what? Some people really, really enjoy previews. For some people, the previews are almost as exciting and entertaining as the movie itself. I can't articulate how bad it chaps my ass when people utter the phrase, "It's okay. We'll only miss the previews!" and then act annoyed when you turn into Spazzy McSpazzerson because they are causing you to miss the new Hunger Games trailer. I would rather go to a movie by myself, where I can get there early enough to scoop up my 44oz. Diet Coke and snag a sweet seat LONG before there is any danger of missing a preview, than go to the movies with one of these preview-hating freaks.

6. iPhone Haters

If you have an iPhone, you definitely know who I'm talking about here. If you don't have an iPhone, you probably still know who I'm talking about, or you are one of these people. These are the people who have nothing but insults for iPhones, Apple, and the people who own these products. It's like if you got an iPhone for Christmas or your birthday, you are suddenly Satan's spawn because you succumbed to the cult of Steve Jobs. People don't get iPhones because they are sellouts or wannabe hipsters. People get iPhones because they are absolutely badass, superior machines. I'm also convinced that everyone claims they "don't want an iPhone...".........until they get an iPhone.

Yes--it really is THAT awesome.

7. Hand Sanitizer

It grosses me out when people swear by hand sanitizer. For some reason, it seems like it's just moving the grime around on their hands instead of accomplishing anything. My students are the worst offenders of thinking hand sanitizer is the be-all-end-all of hygiene. I swear to god it is making them stickier and nastier than they were before they put hand sanitizer all over their hands and forearms. I suppose it is better than not doing anything at all if you absolutely can't get to soap and water. I'd rather send the little gremlins straight to the bathroom than watch them slather that crap all over their hands, go back to their seats, and touch a whole bunch of shit before it even dries. Gross.

8. Idiotic Girls

These are the girls you consider blocking from your Facebook news feed because every time you log in you are forced to look at 7 new posts from them to all of their "besties" with wayyyyy tooooo manyyyyyy letters on the end of every word because they're just so exciiiited! These girls might not actually be that immature or unintelligent, but they present themselves that way for some ridiculous mentality that it makes them seem cute or otherwise desirable I guess. Intelligent, educated females almost always scoff at these individuals because they make the rest of us look so bad.

9. Lofty Idealists

You find these a lot in the world education, and there's nothing inherently wrong with having lofty dreams and ambitions. The pet peeve occurs when these people try to shove this crap down YOUR throat incessantly. They make you feel like you clearly aren't doing as good of a job as them because you don't drink the Koolaid and spout magical fairy bullshit about how you're changing the world.

We get it. You're a teacher (or some other type of public service job). You are "changing lives" and "enacting social justice" and "championing for and shaping the future of America." Right. And I'm obviously just chopped liver because I'm trying to survive the maelstrom that is an 8th grade classroom and not sugar coat my daily professional experiences when I talk about them just to make myself sound better.

Please slap me if I ever get to a point where I'm uttering phrases like this out loud or buying these little fake chalkboards. I swear, we're not all like this.


Okay, that's all folks. That was.....cathartic!--- hope everyone sludges through their Monday mornings unscathed tomorrow!

You May Daydream of SugarPlum Fairies

....or, if you're a teacher, you may daydream of the tiniest inkling of a HINT of appreciation from your students. Ever. But especially as you roll into the holidays and Christmas break.

And...my dear sweet friends, I got that on Friday. All of my trials and tribulations from the past five months were validated on Friday at school with my gremlins (and I do hope that at this point you realize I'm using that term most affectionately).

This past week was the last week before a glorious fortnight in which teachers and students alike loll around like slovenly heathens who don't have to work for a living. Or whatever it is you like to do during winter break....

Thus, I had three trying days of instruction/Midterm review on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, followed by a Thursday and Friday consisting of Midterm exam administration. Thursday was for Part 1: Reading, and Friday was reserved for Part 2: Writing.

For me, this week posed two challenges, and they were: First, what do I do for my students for Christmas, if anything? Lord knows teachers are financially challenged, but I didn't want to send them off into the holidays completely empty-handed. Second, if I get them anything, what day do I carve out 30 minutes of time to give them their presents where it would not interfere with Midterm review or actually taking the Midterm?

The easier part was choosing what to give them. I decided to make every student I teach a "paper plate award." Paper plate awards are exactly what they sound like. Paper plates, decorated by yours truly, that celebrate some quirk or talent of each individual student. They take a good little chunk of time to make, because you first have to go through all of your rosters and concoct an individualized, specific "award" for each student......and then you actually have to decorate the paper plates.

I then decided that if I hammer in Midterm review for two and a half days straight, I could reserve the end of my class period on Wednesday for paper plate award dissemination.

Now, I like to get UBER specific with my paper plate awards. None of this generic "Class Clown" or "Most Improved" or "Most Likely to Succeed" bullshit.

No. My paper plate ceremony included such prestigious awards as:

"Most Steptastic (but NO you are not at Step practice you are in ELA!) Award"
"Most Likely to try to use his charm to get out of trouble Award"
"Most Likely to make me forget I'm talking to a 14 year old because you're so mature Award"
"Most Entertaining Explanations for why he is out of his seat at any given time Award"
"Most Random Question-Asker Award"
"Breath of Fresh Air Award" (for those THANK THE LORD students who are literally "breaths of fresh air" among their rowdy classmates)
"Most Reliable Participator Award"


You get the point. I gave a short "build up" speech before I presented each award to create anticipation and let my students kind of guess who it was going to be. I don't know if it was more fun for them or for me.

When Thursday and Friday rolled around, I knew that two days straight of test taking was going to be almost more than they could bear, so I was glad I had given the awards (and given them an academic break) on Wednesday.

This is the message I displayed on my SmartBoard for students about what were acceptable post-exam behaviors and activities:

"THINGS THAT ARE ACCEPTABLE TO DO WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR EXAM:

1. Read a book.
2. Work on a Double Entry Journal.
3. Work on any late or missing assignments you have for my class.
4. NOT TALK.
5. Write an extra-credit Parody or Double Entry Journal.
6. Do a crossword puzzle or word search (on the back table).
7. Study for another exam.
8. NOT wander around the room.
9. NOT TALK.
10. Daydream about sugarplum fairies and candy canes.
11. Write an explanation for why Star Wars is the greatest movie ever made.
12. NOT TALK.
13. Write a story about a far away fantasy land where students never have to take midterms.
14. Write an explanation for why Lord of the Rings is the greatest movie ever made.

15. OH----OR NOT TALK."

As you can see, they had plenty of options for activities to occupy their time when they finished my exam.

You may have inferred that some of these options were placed on the board in a half-joking manner. Therefore, imagine my surprise when one of my fourth block students ACTUALLY WROTE AN EXPLANATION FOR WHY STAR WARS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE, albeit he tweaked it slightly.

This was, hands down, the single greatest piece of student writing I have received in my teaching career to date. It was so awesome that I will now provide a picture and a complete transcription of the written piece.

"Star Wars has got to be the second greatest movie ever made. With that being said, Lord of the Rings has to be the best movie in the history of movie making. Sure, Star Wars is a combination of action, adventure, and science fiction, but Lord of the Rings has all of my favorite genres-- action, adventure, fantasy, and drama. On top of that, Lord of the Rings has a way better story line than Star Wars. I would rather watch a noble quest while battling creatures than space dudes fighting for the galaxy. Also, the Jedi have got to be the biggest hypocrites in space. They are always talking about bringing peace to the galaxy while they are carrying weapons and slicing dudes arms off. The Brotherhood of the Ring at least are honorable enough to die for their land. The Jedi just send out their clones to do their dirty work for them. Just because there are unlimited amounts of them doesn't mean they don't have feelings. With all that being said, Lord of the Rings has got to be the best movie ever made."

Oh. My. God.

You sir, get an A! I don't even care that you called it the "brotherhood" instead of the "fellowship" of the ring. YOU ARE MY NEW FAVORITE STUDENT EVER.

Do I seriously get paid to be in charge of a classroom where students write me EPIC SHIT like this because they know how much I love Lord of the Rings??

And finally....one of the reasons that teaching is the best job on the planet.

As aforementioned, Friday was the last school day before break. I was fully expecting 1 or 2 notes or "Merry Christmas-es" from some of my sweetheart students. However, I was absolutely NOT expecting all of the thoughtful letters, well-wishes, and gifts I received on Friday...

Please note the TWO 2-liters of Diet Coke.....from 2 different students..... They know me too well.

My favorite thing about Friday was not that I received gifts from my students--I definitely didn't need anything tangible from them. It was the tiny bit of confirmation that everything I've been trying to accomplish or the relationships I've been trying to form with them since August have not been completely in vain. Small victories.




Another 4th block student crafted her own "award" for me. The "Dang I need a Diet Coke, Y'all!" Award..........Apparently I say that phrase entirely too often if this student thinks I deserve a personalized award for it.

There were many hugs exchanged in the hallway outside my classroom door after the end-of-day bell rang on Friday, and I daresay I will actually miss those little gremlins until January 2nd.

Do I become frustrated with, complain about, and become baffled by my 14-year-olds on a daily basis? Maybe.

Do I have the best classes in the world? Oh HELL yes.

happy holidays yall :)

Dead Mice Inspire Blogs

Dead mice inspire blogs? Of course they do, in the Townes household!

I should have known that something like a dead animal carcass would end up being what motivated me to blog for the first time since July.

It was going to have to be something especially weird or gross, as I've been sucked deep into the bowels of the public education system since August 18th. I've managed to stay afloat thus far, gasping in breaths of air between never-ending paper grading and the profound, emotional baggage* you take home from the lives and minds of 75 eighth graders each day.

*Let it be clarified that profound, emotional baggage from an 8th grader includes things like discovering the joys of very public displays of flatulence, crying because you found a piece of cardboard in your pizza at lunch, or getting in a fight because a classmate made fun of "the shape of your head." (I'm still shaking my head at that one).

Back to the dead mice!

Today, I went outside to let the doodles do their biz in the backyard. On my way back in, I noticed all three doods sniffing and licking a spot on the brick wall of our house.

Upon further investigation of the doodle interest spot, I found this:


My first reaction was to become a little nauseous, for two reasons.

Reason 1) Do you notice the little trail of blood/innards dripping down the wall below the mouse? Yup, I did too.

Reason 2) My dogs had just been LICKING this. BARF. How do you rectify that situation? And how much time has to pass before I can feel safe that the dead mouse splatter is no longer a lurking threat in Ginger's mouth the next time she ninja licks me?!

Obviously, it's a dead mouse. This poor little rodent up and got himself killed in an electrical socket outside our house.

The question in my mind was, "How did he die?"

Soo....he crammed his head and half of his body under this outlet and....electrocuted himself to death?

He crammed himself into a too-small crevice, couldn't get free, and died of thirst and hunger?

He was crushed by the pressure of trying to force himself between an outlet and a brick wall?

I couldn't come up with a conclusive decision of how I thought he met his end, but I had to ruminate over it because it seemed like such an awkward and precarious position in which to die--half hanging out of an electrical socket with a trail of your own guts dripping down the wall beneath you? That's a bad way to go, even for a mouse.

As soon as I got my pictures snapped, Steve went into full-on mouse carcass disposal mode. He donned a rubber glove covered even further by a ziploc bag for extra protection.



Great success! Steve pried the mouse body loose with very little resistance from the aforementioned deceased. He then proceeded to completely saturate the spot on the wall with Clorox spray.

The dogs were sad. If they lick the wall again, they'll be in no danger of contracting any dead-mouse-germs, but they will most likely die of Clorox bleach poisoning. Steve gets a little spray-happy when it comes to Clorox and Weed-B-Gone.

Switching gears, I'd love to entertain y'all with tales and foibles from my 8th grade classroom, but I'm not sure I'd know where to start. Saying that there's never a dull moment would be a gross understatement.

8th graders are kind of like gremlins. They are the happiest, most adorable creatures on Earth one minute. The next minute? Bam! They've been fed after midnight and you are the worst person on the planet in their eyes. They are running around your classroom and throwing paper and crying and spitting in the trash can and biting each other and farting really, really loud and rolling around on the floor laughing and then farting again.

I honestly cannot believe how often my class has been interrupted due to students making massive productions out of farting. Shouldn't a 13-year-old boy (or girl, for that matter) have grown out of that stage? Apparently not.

They think you're weird and pretty and lame and cool and mean and rude and funny all in one 90 minute class period. One minute, they're making some profound connection between world events and classic literature, and the next, they can't even tell you the difference between a verb and a noun.

In short, teaching eighth grade is.......interesting.

All I can do is keep smiling and hope that the next dead rodent comes around sooner rather than later.